No fret my pets...the first "Holy Crap, Really?" post is brewing. Just gathering my thoughts and trying to quiet my mind a bit.
Been dealing with a lot lately...or rather, NOT dealing with a lot. After that one email from P on Facebook, he's gone silent again. His wife has been on her page, but hasn't emailed me either. I suppose I could email him again but honestly, I'm not sure I have the strength to do that yet...and not sure I really want to hear his answers.
Had to put a lot of work into my jeep lately...brake pads, rotors, new tires, replaced a lower ball joint, front end alignment...you name it, I've done it. All within the span of one month. Takes quite the chunk out of my bank account.
And yet, I still continue to pay for everything related to my son with little to no court ordered child support being collected. I'm angry. And have to try my damndest not to snap at my ex or his wife when I see them. I think I do a pretty good job with that too. I think that my ex's wife is reading my blog so if she is, sorry that you are reading about my frustration here but better here than at the drop offs/pick ups, right? ;) I've let A LOT go in regards to the situation...I've had to...but honestly, my ex isn't hurting me by not paying and not working more than a day here or a day there..he's hurting a little boy in the long run.
The money that is sent for child support doesn't go towards my needs..it's used for clothes, supplies, food, etc. for Chase. Problem is, you can't buy clothes with $0 coming in for five months. Try it sometime...see how well you do..lol.
Okay..rant over...going in to Boston's North End with Steven, his father, stepmother and niece for the day to celebrate Steven's 40th birthday. I promise to get to the HCR post tonight or tomorrow..lol...pinky swear!
Have fun in the North End! Mmmmmm, now I'm dreaming of Mike's Pastry...
ReplyDeleteOh the North End has so much delish food. Have fun! BTDT with cars, feel your pain!
ReplyDeleteFeeling your pain with the child support thing. Getting ready for a battle with the ex. Hate it. Isn't that why they're our exes, so we don't have to fight them anymore?! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHey, Christina. First, sending a big {{{hug}}} to you. You're dealing with a lot! Second,... I don't know how to say this without risking sounding like a jerk, so I'll just take the risk and hope for the best. I don't know what's going on with P, but it reminds me of how I am at times. I mean that I usually take the lead communicating with our kids' first families, and other times I retreat. I become paralyzed. U think of them, but I don't reach out. Why? Why, why? Because being an adoptive parent is far more complex than anyone lets on up front. Here are a few examples of what I mean: #1 It is deeply painful when first mom does not want to increase our level of contact. I accept it, I support her right to make that choice, I continue to love her, and I respect her taking care of herself, but still, I grieve the loss (of potential) for my child. #2 Some members of first family did not support the adoption. When we are with them, I see their pain and regret, and it breaks my heart. The decision was first mom's to make (as it should be), but I can't ignore the impact of her decision on other members of my child's first family. These are people I care for... and in their minds I "have" their grandson, nephew, cousin. And when we're talking about flesh and blood people, it doesn't matter that first mom CHOSE adoption, and it doesn't matter that I think she made the "right" decision (not because it benefited me, because of other circumstances). What matters is that I'm looking at real people... my child's people... who have suffered a tremendous loss. Which leads me to #3, which is that no matter how sympathetic and empathetic I am, I of course am happy to have adopted my children. I love them. I love them more each day, more with every poop diaper, more with every scraped knee, more with every dropped plate of spaghetti and sauce that stains the wall, more every time I look at them. I am their mother. I am Mama. And sometimes... it's all too much to think about. Sometimes I just want to romp and dance and climb and bake with them and not have to think about Adoption. And what it means to them and to me and to their first families and what it may or may not come to mean to my kids as they grow.
ReplyDeleteChristine, I don't know P from anything, but like P, I am human. And flawed. And loving. And limited. And sometimes I have to be still.
<3 you,
Sally