Seven years ago on this coming Sunday, the twelfth, my afather died. As I've written about before, every year on that date (or the nearest weekend) my family gets together and plants flowers and takes pictures of all of us surrounding the grave.
Creepy. Or, I should say, it creeps me out now to think about it. What's funny is that after he died, when I'd thought I'd forgiven him for being "inappropriate" with me when I was a little girl, I'd go to the cemetery every chance I'd get. I'd water his flowers religiously, loving how my mother would say, "Your dad would be so proud of you".
Now, I want to take a can of black spray paint and write "Child Molester" across the lighthouse tombstone that I had found for his grave. It's taken me over a year of therapy and many sleepless nights to get to this point, but I'm here.
My asister called me at work today...here's the conversation:
Me: Hi, this is Christina...
C: Hey, it's your sister...bad time?
Me: Nope..just staring at this godforsaken spreadsheet, willing it to implode on itself.
C: giggles I see...sounds exciting..haha. So, Mom asked me to call you about Sunday.
Me: thinking and feeling a bit panicky
C: She said that she is pretty sure you weren't going to want to go to the cemetery this year.
Me: Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at. I mean, if you guys are going out afterwards, we could probably meet for lunch or something.
C: That's what I figured. And, I don't blame you at all. Because it's Sunday this year I can't go because of church (my sister is a minister and has to preach on Sundays). Chris, I have to tell you, I'm a little surprised that you'd even come for lunch...since he'd be talked about, you know?
Me: I think I'd be okay. Emotionally...physically I can't do the cemetery but I should be okay for lunch.
C: Do you want to give yourself a day to think about it? See if you change your mind?
Me: laughs Well, I do have my therapy appointment tomorrow night...
C: Perfect!!! Talk it over and see what comes up. I'll tell Mom that I talked to you and you're going to think about it. No need to tell her that you're waiting til you talk to your therapist...
Me: Hahaha..yeah., good point.
More chitchat and then we ended the call.
Most of you reading this, well aside from the "Meanie Haters" and those who haven't joined me as minions yet, know how HUGE this is for me. I am finally speaking up for myself...I'm finally able to verbalize what I need. I've never been able to do that. My friend at work knows my whole story and after hearing what was said between me and my sister said, "Holy shit Christina, I feel like throwing you a party!!! That's awesome!"
::tosses confetti:: You're all invited ;)