Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Seven years ago on this coming Sunday, the twelfth, my afather died.  As I've written about before, every year on that date (or the nearest weekend) my family gets together and plants flowers and takes pictures of all of us surrounding the grave.

Creepy.  Or, I should say, it creeps me out now to think about it.  What's funny is that after he died, when I'd thought I'd forgiven him for being "inappropriate" with me when I was a little girl, I'd go to the cemetery every chance I'd get.  I'd water his flowers religiously, loving how my mother would say, "Your dad would be so proud of you". 

Now, I want to take a can of black spray paint and write "Child Molester" across the lighthouse tombstone that I had found for his grave.  It's taken me over a year of therapy and many sleepless nights to get to this point, but I'm here.

My asister called me at work today...here's the conversation:

Me: Hi, this is Christina...

C: Hey, it's your sister...bad time? 

Me: Nope..just staring at this godforsaken spreadsheet, willing it to implode on itself.

C: giggles I see...sounds exciting..haha.  So, Mom asked me to call you about Sunday.

Me: thinking and feeling a bit panicky

C:  She said that she is pretty sure you weren't going to want to go to the cemetery this year. 

Me:  Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at.  I mean, if you guys are going out afterwards, we could probably meet for lunch or something.

C:  That's what I figured.  And, I don't blame you at all.  Because it's Sunday this year I can't go because of church (my sister is a minister and has to preach on Sundays).  Chris, I have to tell you, I'm a little surprised that you'd even come for lunch...since he'd be talked about, you know?

Me:  I think I'd be okay.  Emotionally...physically I can't do the cemetery but I should be okay for lunch.

C:  Do you want to give yourself a day to think about it?  See if you change your mind?

Me:  laughs Well, I do have my therapy appointment tomorrow night...

C:  Perfect!!!  Talk it over and see what comes up.  I'll tell Mom that I talked to you and you're going to think about it.  No need to tell her that you're waiting til you talk to your therapist...

Me:  Hahaha..yeah., good point.

More chitchat and then we ended the call.

Most of you reading this, well aside from the "Meanie Haters" and those who haven't joined me as minions yet, know how HUGE this is for me.  I am finally speaking up for myself...I'm finally able to verbalize what I need.  I've never been able to do that.  My friend at work knows my whole story and after hearing what was said between me and my sister said, "Holy shit Christina, I feel like throwing you a party!!!  That's awesome!"

::tosses confetti::  You're all invited ;)


  1. Im really proud of you. Its a huge step to speak up for yourself and even though it is scary to do so, it feels so good when we do!!

  2. Okay. So I haven't read everything you've ever written, but from what I have read in the past almost year...

    GOOD FOR YOU. It sounds like you are making some serious progress, and I think it's awesome that you are standing up for yourself to family (hope that's an okay phrase...hmmm....). Anyway...it's the hardest, I think, to really be yourself with the people you grow up with. They seem to think you're perpetually a child.

    Anyway...glad to see some happiness and confetti tossing :)

  3. Yay, for you! I kow how hard that must have been and I'm so proud of you. Wish I lived close enough to join the party! ;)

  4. Well done, chica (as I toss some more confetti & squirt some silly string on everyone). Having walked a path very similar to yours, I know that feeling of astonished peace that comes over a person when they finally find their voice.


  5. Good for you! And good for your asister for being supportive and understanding. I think the photo thing is beyond creepy, FWIW. (but I like the lighthouse! grin)
    You rock, you meanie! (just kidding, honest!)

  6. Finding your voice and standing up for yourself is a huge accomplishment. I'm so happy for you!

  7. So happy for you ~ it's a wonderful thing to be able to live your truth.

    ::tosses confetti::
    Celebrating with you!


  8. Wow, that is a BIG step. Very empowering! Hugs!


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