In a funk. Yup. I'm definitely in a funk. The past few days I've been toying with different posts but every time I go to start writing, it all comes out sounding like crap. Verbal vomit, if you will.
Therapy is on hold for two weeks...she's on vacation this week and I'm on vacation next week (SQUEAL!). I definitely need a break from work..and I can't wait to spend some quality family time with the kids and Steven. It starts with a town concert that Maddie's singing in, continues with beach days, the zoo, playgrounds, picnics, natural family reunion and a birthday party for the son of one of my best friend's. Chock full of fun..chock full of love.
A lot of you know that I've started a separate Facebook profile for my adopted self. I know that I should be strong enough to combine the two..adoptive life vs. natural life..but it's difficult for me. In my head, I'm still the fragile girl who had to please EVERYONE. Had to remain quiet lest she anger her parents. I hate that I'm still afraid of my mother's wrath...that I still crave her approval...and am afraid of hurting her...I hate those things. But it's hard to undo 36 years of fear overnight. I wish it were easy. I wish that I could truly be free for one day from the pain and the grief..and the feelings of guilt when I post pictures of my kids on Facebook and I hear from my natural mother that she lets my adoptive mother comment first so that she doesn't seem to be stepping on anyone's toes. I want to yell at her in those moments and say, "To hell with that! Comment when you want!!". But I'd be hypocritical. Because I understand why she does that.