Two weeks since my last therapy session. Sigh. Wasn't too bad today...could have been worse I suppose. Tonight was spent yelling and screaming. Yes, on purpose.
I had expressed my recent frustration at my son's father and the child support I'm not getting.
Actually, that's not true. I'm getting some support. Just not the right amount.
He's court ordered to contribute $112.50 every two weeks. That's it. It's $45.00 plus $11.25 towards the arrears he owes me per week. So, here's what I've gotten the past four cycles:
08/11/2010 $46.13 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
07/28/2010 $19.40 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
07/14/2010 $23.69 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
06/30/2010 $53.96 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
Notice the amounts? Divide them by two and you'll see what I actually ended up getting per week.
Is it any wonder why I'm pissed off sometimes?
So, my therapist told me that while we were tapping, we were going to yell. Didn't matter if I swore...didn't matter what I said...it just mattered that I got it all out.
And so, I tried. I expressed all the things that have pissed me off recently and even in the past regarding my relationship with my ex. Curious about what those things were? Here's a sampling...
-Calling CPS on me when Chase was a few months old...because he had a diaper rash and the sniffles
-Getting irritated with me for checking my watch every five minutes in the car as we drove to the hospital because I was in labor.
-Leaving me at the hospital so he could go home and chill out on the computer until the actual birth of our child...and almost not making it back in time.
-Not allowing Chase to attend my afather's funeral because he didn't want him to be around so much sadness...Chase was six months old.
-Posting rude and vulgar things on his Myspace profile about me
-Blaming me for keeping him from Chase when in actuality, he left the state and ran away to Louisiana to make a new life for himself. Honestly, I think he would have blamed Hurricane Katrina on me if he could have..lol.
-Not coming to my side when I got in a major car accident with my 2 and 1/2 year old daughter..and five months pregnant at the time.
-Letting my car's battery die in the middle of a snowstorm and making me go out and jump it because he was afraid of getting shocked by the wires.
Now I was pretty damn proud of myself for venting about all that stuff...but after we were done, she looked at me and said, "You know, that was pretty polite...some of what you were saying he'd done made me raise my eyebrows...but you were just...mild...".
We worked through why that was. She asked me what would have happened if I'd yelled and screamed in anger as a child and I told her that would have never been tolerated. It just wasn't safe. I kept my emotions in check so I wouldn't get in trouble and have to deal with the wrath of my mother.
Some days, I feel really fucked up.