Monday, May 17, 2010

Have A Nice (Guilt) Trip?

Just got home from therapy.  Feeling off..per usual.  My afather's birthday is coming up soon...May 25th to be precise.  And historically, in the almost seven years since he's been dead, my family has gathered at the cemetery to plant flowers and clean up around his gravestone on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death (September 12th).  If you recall, I didn't want to go plant flowers in September..but I went anyway.  And now, I've gotten the dreaded question posed to me by my amother.

"What day works for you to go to the cemetery?"


I've been stressed out the past few months, waiting for this.  I don't want to go...I deserve to say "Look Mom, I need to be truthful with myself and recognize that going to plant flowers at the grave isn't helping me, nor is it healthy, so I'm just not going to go...".  But it doesn't feel safe to say no.

Doesn't feel safe, you ask?

Speaking as the adult Christina, I realize how stupid that sounds. 

But to the child that was taught to NEVER say no to her mother because's not safe.

My asister has no problem telling our mother no.  She feels no regret..and can graciously refuse the one way ticket to Guilt that I always seem to be traveling to.  And I know, through therapy thankyouverymuch, that I am the one allowing myself to get on the train/plane/automobile for the journey, but it's just really hard to just say no.


  1. But maybe if you take the plunge and say it once, it will be easier the next time?

  2. That's what I'm hoping for Mongoose. I told my mother that I'd need to get back to her..which will give me more time to get in touch with my Wise Self and grow a pair of b@lls ;)

  3. I just posted to my blog a minute ago and spoke of the 'guilt train' myself! I am on my way to read from the beginning!

  4. I have this relationship with my mother, though not the horrible trauma that was inflicted on you by your afather.

    Can you plan a trip or something that will just take you out of the area when they are gonna do this?

  5. Sounds as if it's not just round the corner either? Do hope you get to say no this time and really be true to yourself..good luck and good wishes.

  6. I wish I COULD take a trip to escape for a few days, but alas, my nephew's birthday is going to be celebrated this coming weekend (his birthday is actually May 25th as well)..and the following weekend we're celebrating my daughter's birthday.

    My therapist did tell me to have compassion for myself if I just can't say no this time..but I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel like I'd be letting myself down.

  7. I had (past tense) an unfortunately similiar relationship with my afamily. It took me just short of 40 years to stand up to them. When your ready you'll know, 'til then just do what you have to to make it bearable for yourself.

  8. Seriously Christine, maybe practicing it in a mirror would help. Look yourself in the eyes and say no, see the facial expression, tweak it, work on it, practice it. I know our situations are different, but I have no problem saying no now. It's one of my favorite words. Two letter words that is. LOL

  9. It is SO hard to break from old scripts, no matter how much we want to. *hugs* to you.


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