Just got home from therapy. Feeling off..per usual. My afather's birthday is coming up soon...May 25th to be precise. And historically, in the almost seven years since he's been dead, my family has gathered at the cemetery to plant flowers and clean up around his gravestone on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death (September 12th). If you recall, I didn't want to go plant flowers in September..but I went anyway. And now, I've gotten the dreaded question posed to me by my amother.
"What day works for you to go to the cemetery?"
I've been stressed out the past few months, waiting for this. I don't want to go...I deserve to say "Look Mom, I need to be truthful with myself and recognize that going to plant flowers at the grave isn't helping me, nor is it healthy, so I'm just not going to go...". But it doesn't feel safe to say no.
Doesn't feel safe, you ask?
Speaking as the adult Christina, I realize how stupid that sounds.
But to the child that was taught to NEVER say no to her mother because there-will-be-Hell-to-pay-when-we-get-home-and-noone-is-listening-to-me-scream-at-you-while-tearing-you-a-new-asshole..no...it's not safe.
My asister has no problem telling our mother no. She feels no regret..and can graciously refuse the one way ticket to Guilt that I always seem to be traveling to. And I know, through therapy thankyouverymuch, that I am the one allowing myself to get on the train/plane/automobile for the journey, but it's just really hard to just say no.