I've hesitated about talking much about my son and his relationship with his father here. Because I know that some of what I have to say won't paint me in a very good light with my adoptee friends. Or maybe I'm just "being all adopted" today and worrying too much..lol. Regardless, I'm ready for the comments..good, bad, slap upside the head..I'm fine.
Word of warning..I'm not sure whether my ex's wife reads my blog anymore..::shrug::..no clue. I don't follow her around the internet (although, truthfully, I used to, just to see if she was talking about me..hahaha)…but I've gotten over myself and realized that most likely, she feels like I do now and couldn’t care less what I say… If she's reading this then I'll hear about it from my ex and all I can say is I'm sorry that we disagree so strongly on this.
Anyway, I digress (a lot).
My son's father and I split up when Chase was three months old. And then the hard times really began. There was a restraining order put in place, and before you ask, no, he was never physically abusive towards me but that doesn't mean I wasn't fearful of what he might do. And the judge granted the order..not to keep my ex away from our son, but to keep him away from me.
Long story very short, my ex ended up leaving the state in 2004…for places unknown. Eventually, I found out that he was living in Louisiana with his pregnant girlfriend (now wife)..and they lived down there all through 2005 until 2006. He took me back to court so he could exercise his visitation rights again in early 2007.
While he was gone, I began my relationship with my current boyfriend. He's put up with a lot through the years and I'm eternally thankful for him in my life. He accepted that I was a single mother raising two children and loves them more than the world. See, this is where it gets sticky.
Every day on my way to work, I'd drop Chase off at daycare. He'd play with his friends, and get loved on by his teachers. And he'd see the parents, moms and dads, come to pick up his classmates. Every day. And he was growing and his brain was beginning to think..really think.
One day when Chase was about two years old, we got home from work/daycare and he ran into the house, straight into my boyfriend's office.
"Dahnnie! We're home!".
You see, Dahnnie = Daddy. And I'm going to be completely honest here, I said nothing. Because the fact was, at that point, I had NO idea when my ex might come back up north. No idea what his plan was for his life…only knew that right then, his number priority wasn't Chase. For better or for worse, it just wasn't. And I get that. I do. He had built a life down in Louisiana and really, I couldn't fault him for that, although it made me sad for Chase.
And my boyfriend had been there for Chase in ways that my ex logistically couldn't. The late night feedings, the diaper changes, the dinner table fiascos, the scraped knees, the boo boo kisses…the inevitable time outs..lol…and Chase saw that he had what his friends had at daycare…a Dahnnie.
Flashforward to today and things are hard for Chase. More difficult than I think my ex can understand..(I'm NOT saying this is bad, or whatever…it just is)..and it's causing issues for Chase. My ex believes that Chase should not be allowed to call Steven "Daddy". Period..end of story. That because he doesn't share the same genes as Chase, he has no rights. Legally, that's correct. But morally, I respectively beg to differ. I'm adopted. I have TWO moms. The one that raised me (albeit, badly at times) and the mom that I'm biologically and inexplicably connected to. In my eyes, neither has more of a "right" to me. But both just as real as the other.
Yesterday when I got Chase back from his weekend visit, I took him over to see the rest of my afamily and Madelyn at my sister's house for my nephew's birthday. He'd had an accident in his pants. Actually, he had two accidents while we were there. Now, usually this means one of three things: He's tired, he's lazy (lol) or he's stressed out. As I got him cleaned up in my sister's bathroom, he said something to me that hurt my heart.
"Daddy yelled at me today. He said I'm not allowed to call Steven Daddy anymore." Now, whether "yelled" means talked to in a stern voice, my bet is on probably. But it was hard to hear that it's still going on. I'd kind of put it out of my head (bad Mommy) and thought that since my ex and I were being civil and decent with one another, his tone would change with Chase. But it hasn't. I simply told Chase to tell Daddy (my ex) that he can talk to Mommy about it, and that I was just happy he has so many people that love him.
And tonight, while I'm at therapy, I'll be pushing my therapist for the name of a counselor that I can take Chase to so we can address the issue and see what an unbiased third party person thinks.
Was I wrong to not tell Chase that he had a father out there somewhere? Probably. But what was I supposed to do? Sigh.
I'll bet I lost quite a few readers several paragraphs back because I'm so long winded today, but I had to write it down.