I'm back to feeling "okay" after my therapy session the other night. I ended up back on my boulder, watching Keeper rock while sitting in a huge rocking chair...surrounded by ginormous soft red pillows, and clutching the security blanket I'd been attached to as a child.
As I sat in the chair in the office, my therapist told me to ask Keeper, this little eight year old Christina that I'm beginning to get to know, what her "job" is. Since Keeper can't speak, I saw her pick up a large, gold padlock. She just sat there, staring at me...swinging the padlock back and forth. She's the guardian of the secrets..and doesn't trust me enough yet to let me in. I was told to ask her what she does for fun...and she just stared, cocking her head to the side. She doesn't know what fun is. Does she want to learn how to have fun? She just stared. Not yet.
Then, it was time to invite Five on the boulder. She showed up wearing a pink party dress with white tights and Mary Jane patent leather shoes. She was quiet as well, but agreed to sit in a small rocking chair and listen, holding onto a very worn teddy bear. At my therapist's prompting, I asked Five if she wanted to have fun. She started to look anxious..I could tell immediately what the problem was. Her mother. She didn't want to make her mother angry...didn't want her to know about the boulder...didn't want to have fun if she was going to just get in trouble later on.
I asked Five if she wanted to throw the fear of her mother finding her into the river..carrying the fear away with the water..and she did. It took awhile, but at last, she understood that her mother would not come for her on the boulder. That it is a safe place, far from the prying eyes of her captor.
Before Keeper and Five left me alone on the rock, I took Five in my arms..and we cried together. I told her how sorry I was that she was scared...sorry that she couldn't enjoy being a little girl and have fun. The tears poured from her eyes..and mine...as we sat there. I didn't want to let her go...but I promised that she could return any time she wanted. Keeper was just watching us from her perch on the rocking chair...and I told her that she was welcome as well. She stared..and nodded.
It's a start.
I'm angry though. Yes, yes..I AM an angry adoptee. I shouldn't have had to constantly look over my shoulder...I should have been able to have fun. I'm not even sure I know how, even now.