Been taking a little bit of a break from thinking about anything adoption related. I've been experiencing strong flashbacks in therapy and while my therapist has been trying to "calm me down" before I leave our sessions, I still find myself extremely tired, agitated and irritable for a few days afterwards. There's only so much a girl can handle and I think I've reached my limit.
I have other issues that are on my mind at the moment too. I think I've mentioned that my Credit and Collections contracting job is being outsourced to India come the end of April. I have been trying to stay positive because it looks like I'll be hired on full time by the company but of course, there's no guarantee. My managers have been trying to help all of the contractors on my team (eleven of us total) find positions and while I'm grateful (hate that word, but it fits here) that they are helping, I'm still extremely stressed out and nervous. I have a car payment, groceries to buy, household bills to help pay (although my boyfriend is my hero and does so much for me and the kids), daycare to pay…etc. etc. etc. I don't get much in the way of child support from my son's biological dad…not even enough to cover the cost of afterschool daycare. It's just so frustrating to work so hard and then to have the rug pulled out from underneath you. I know I'm not the only one in this boat…but that is but a small comfort right now.
And today I have to go to one of the other buildings for a career development function and am praying to all that is good and holy in the world that I won't have to talk to anyone (other than the coworkers/friends that will be going with me) because I've been having a really hard time speaking without "blocking" on the words. Another little gem of crappiness that I've been working with my therapist on. My mother called our house last night and I couldn't even answer the phone without having to pause and stammer out the words "Hi Mom". It was my MOTHER for pete's sake..not a stranger…and yet, I still had to stand in the kitchen trying to will my voice to work. ::thud::
I really am screwed up, huh? Writing it all down just hammers that home to me. I am so tired of being damaged.