Lloyd is my nfather's last name. I keep rolling that around on my tongue, tasting it, feeling it…and it feels odd. What is this man like with whom I share part of my genetic makeup?
My nmom has told me he wasn't nice…was a cheater, a liar…sent back the letters she'd sent him, telling him about my pending birth. And yet, I'm intrigued. Which is why I asked my nsister to ask her for his last name. I know his first name, and know that Madelyn is apparently the spitting image of him. And since she is the spitting image of me, I must look like him too. I know for sure that he's the reason I'm so short (5'3") compared to my "little" brother (6'5") and sister (5'9"). Beyond that, he's an enigma. Rumor is that he spent time in prison for running a chop shop somewhere in the mid atlantic states…but googling his name has left me empty handed.
Truthfully, growing up, I never really thought about him. Only dreamed about my nmom…wondering if she was out there somewhere, wishing on the same stars I did. Odd to realize that I didn't particularly care one way or another about who the other part of the equation was…Mother + Father = Christina.
Of course, my equation changed the instant I was adopted. Suddenly it became A(Mother + Father) + ASister -N(Mother + Father) = Christina.
Difficult to put into words what the subtraction of my nparents has meant in my life. I know that a lot of adoptive parents reading my blog don't really understand what that loss actually means in terms of their own adopted children…but I can tell you from experience that simply deleting the N(Mother + Father) from their life equations won't erase the haunting thoughts that may one day return…exponentially.
Cricket-
ReplyDeleteI don't think aparents can understand - not on any real level - since this is an experience we do not share. I always assumed that the loss of his first family would haunt my son and that I would have to do what ever I could to help him deal with that loss. It's a parents overwhelming desire to protect but I never imagined I could protect him from this - only help. I think one of the hardest things for me about reading your blog and other adoptee writings is the realization that there may not be much of anything I can do to even help him deal with it. There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing your child will suffer and that you cannot prevent it. I know there are clueless and not so nice PAP and AP's out there but a lot who react poorly to your blog may be decent people striking out at the horror of realizing that no matter how much they love their children they cannot prevent them from feeling this pain. I know that is where I started from. Hopefully they keep reading - we can't ever feel your pain - not really - but we can keep working on understanding - we owe it to our children.
I hope what ever decision you make regarding searching for your nfather brings you what you need.
(not trying to say that anything can "fix" the pain you have due to adoption - just that you have a curiosity - a need to know and I hope you get what you want or need from this man.)
I know how you are feeling. I always had a desire to find out who my birthmom was and never really focused on who my birthfather was. It's been a month since I found her. When I meet my birthmother, I did ask her about my birthfather but she gave me little info. I never asked her anymore after that. I too have mixed emotions in finding out more about him. I know that he was responible in making a part of me but I feel like I have a fear of him rejecting me because he rejected my mother when she was pragnant with me. But there is also a part of me that stil wants to know who he is. Maybe later on down the road i will. Who knows.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in whatever decision you decide to make.
Tina,
ReplyDeleteHave I mentioned how very glad I am that you keep coming back to visit me? And I'm so glad that you "get it" and don't run away from what I say.
You're right...your son will probably feel some (not necessarily all) of the feelings that I and other adoptees feel, but I think you have a great handle on what that might look like for him and can be there to love and support him along the way.
I'm happy that you were able to see past the "horror" of my story and learn from me a little.
LB,
ReplyDeleteSo happy you're here! Be gentle with yourself during these first few months of reunion.
It's a rollercoaster ride that will definitely have its ups and downs.
For now, my suggestion is to just "go with the flow" and don't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm here (as are other adoptees, reunited or not) to help.