Lloyd is my nfather's last name. I keep rolling that around on my tongue, tasting it, feeling it…and it feels odd. What is this man like with whom I share part of my genetic makeup?
My nmom has told me he wasn't nice…was a cheater, a liar…sent back the letters she'd sent him, telling him about my pending birth. And yet, I'm intrigued. Which is why I asked my nsister to ask her for his last name. I know his first name, and know that Madelyn is apparently the spitting image of him. And since she is the spitting image of me, I must look like him too. I know for sure that he's the reason I'm so short (5'3") compared to my "little" brother (6'5") and sister (5'9"). Beyond that, he's an enigma. Rumor is that he spent time in prison for running a chop shop somewhere in the mid atlantic states…but googling his name has left me empty handed.
Truthfully, growing up, I never really thought about him. Only dreamed about my nmom…wondering if she was out there somewhere, wishing on the same stars I did. Odd to realize that I didn't particularly care one way or another about who the other part of the equation was…Mother + Father = Christina.
Of course, my equation changed the instant I was adopted. Suddenly it became A(Mother + Father) + ASister -N(Mother + Father) = Christina.
Difficult to put into words what the subtraction of my nparents has meant in my life. I know that a lot of adoptive parents reading my blog don't really understand what that loss actually means in terms of their own adopted children…but I can tell you from experience that simply deleting the N(Mother + Father) from their life equations won't erase the haunting thoughts that may one day return…exponentially.