T Day = Therapy Day
I'm feeling particularly nauseous and crappy today. I know it'll be worse after I get home tonight from the session..but right now, I just want to call up the therapist and cancel. I know..I know...I can't do that. I have to get better. There's a lot of things I need to get off my chest before my heart will heal.
~ The abuse. How do I get past this pain and hurt? How do I ever forgive him? Can I ever forgive him? And what about my a-mother? Do I have to tell her what's going on and why I'm going back to therapy? She works in a Rape Crisis center for heaven's sake...why didn't she support me more when I was in therapy before? Why did she stick by my father and say I was blowing things out of proportion?
~ The eating disorders. Oh, didn't I mention those? Back in my 20's, and even before that, I was bulimic. More of just a purger than anything. Never binged per se, but I could vomit my food up with the best of them. Then after I left my son's father, I stopped eating due to the depression. Plus, I was saving all my money to put food into the kids' mouths...there wasn't enough left for me. I was existing on a couple fries and the crusts of my daughter's sandwiches. But the stupid part was, I couldn't see the damage I was doing to my body...all I saw was that I was losing weight. And that made me feel like I had control for once.
~ My reunion. I've been blessed for the most part. My natural mother and family have accepted me back into the fold with open arms and loving hearts. Why then am I still lost? Like I'm torn between two families and trying to please everyone. That was my role in my adoptive family..the Pleaser. I rarely talked...just stayed in my room and read my books. Kept out of the way so no one could yell. Of course, they still yelled...but I'd done my best. What's silly is that I KNOW that I don't have to please my natural family...they've proven that they want me to be part of the family, even though I've been somewhere else for the past 34 years. Why is my head so cloudy?
There's more...much more...I have a feeling that the above are only drops in my bucketful of issues. Please think of me tonight at 6pm. I can use all the well wishes I can get right now.