Thursday, September 3, 2009

T Day

T Day = Therapy Day

I'm feeling particularly nauseous and crappy today. I know it'll be worse after I get home tonight from the session..but right now, I just want to call up the therapist and cancel. I know..I know...I can't do that. I have to get better. There's a lot of things I need to get off my chest before my heart will heal.

~ The abuse. How do I get past this pain and hurt? How do I ever forgive him? Can I ever forgive him? And what about my a-mother? Do I have to tell her what's going on and why I'm going back to therapy? She works in a Rape Crisis center for heaven's sake...why didn't she support me more when I was in therapy before? Why did she stick by my father and say I was blowing things out of proportion?

~ The eating disorders. Oh, didn't I mention those? Back in my 20's, and even before that, I was bulimic. More of just a purger than anything. Never binged per se, but I could vomit my food up with the best of them. Then after I left my son's father, I stopped eating due to the depression. Plus, I was saving all my money to put food into the kids' mouths...there wasn't enough left for me. I was existing on a couple fries and the crusts of my daughter's sandwiches. But the stupid part was, I couldn't see the damage I was doing to my body...all I saw was that I was losing weight. And that made me feel like I had control for once.

~ My reunion. I've been blessed for the most part. My natural mother and family have accepted me back into the fold with open arms and loving hearts. Why then am I still lost? Like I'm torn between two families and trying to please everyone. That was my role in my adoptive family..the Pleaser. I rarely talked...just stayed in my room and read my books. Kept out of the way so no one could yell. Of course, they still yelled...but I'd done my best. What's silly is that I KNOW that I don't have to please my natural family...they've proven that they want me to be part of the family, even though I've been somewhere else for the past 34 years. Why is my head so cloudy?

There's more...much more...I have a feeling that the above are only drops in my bucketful of issues. Please think of me tonight at 6pm. I can use all the well wishes I can get right now.


  1. Before I went into reunion I believed that my mother thought my sister was better simply on account that she was kept.

    I thought I had to somehow "prove" myself.

    I was wrong.
    But I still feel torn.

  2. There is this whole other side of adoption that makes it so complicated. I cannot begin to wrap my brain around all of the emotions. I'm so sorry your a-parents were abusive jerks. No child deserves abusive whether from a-parents or biological parents.

    Our family has been contemplating foster care adoption. Every time I bring it up someone wants to tell me a horror story and ask why I'd want to mess up my family with some "damaged" child.

    I brush it aside because I know first hand you can be damaged even if you don't come from a foster home.

    If we do choose to pursue a foster care adoption I won't see it as a selfless martyr act. I will see it as building our family. I only pray that the child (we are looking at 8 years-12 years old) will accept us as their family. The upside to adopting an older child is that you can talk to them and ask their opinion. Of course some would say that the foster care system is so horrid that its not really a choice for them. I don't know. Sometimes I think we should be a foster parents instead of adoptive parents...but I know my heart and I'm an all in type of person and I don't think I could handle it if I never saw the kid again----or had to take them to an adoption fair.

    So until I figure it out more. We will do nothing. Because clearly this is not something to be entered into lightly.

  3. Therapy is a HUGE step in the right direction. I ditto ALL of your thoughts. I understand. I'm proud of you for taking that first step :)


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