Rambling

So now, not only do I have to go to the cemetery on Saturday to help with planting new flowers for the fall, my a-mother wants my family (boyfriend and kids) and my sister's family (husband and kids) to go out to dinner that night in remembrance of my father. I feel sick to my stomach and wish I could tell her that I don't feel up to it, but I haven't even told her I'm back in therapy. Fuck.

I'm anxious about tonight. I know it's only the second session but I'm really scared about what this is all going to dredge up in my mind and heart. I know that I'm doing the right thing...so, why is it so hard?? Why can't I just open up my mouth and verbally vomit all the things I'm writing here? I get so frustrated with myself...

And to make things worse, I think I hurt one of my dearest friends. He's technically my ex...my very first boyfriend..but we're still in touch. I sent him the link to this blog because he'd seen on my other blog that I had talked about therapy and wanted to make sure I was alright. So, I sent the link...and he got worried that some of the things I'd said about my lousy taste in men pertained to him. Let me just state for the record, especially if he's reading this, that NOTHING I said before, or will say again, about my choices in men have anything to do with the relationship we had. He was actually someone that I wanted to be with for a long time..but my issues got in the way and I was too clingy. I recognize that now...and I recognize WHY I was like that. I didn't want to be abandoned again..and so, I sabotaged myself by thinking that if I was this "perfect" person, he'd never leave. It backfired...and I don't blame him for going...I had a lot of growing up to do..clearly I still do. I'll always cherish his friendship and I apologize to him now for dragging him into this without thinking about his feelings.

Phew.