Friday, September 4, 2009

I Need Silence

Just one hour of silence. I'm so tired and every little sound is ticking me off. Including the sound of my boyfriend's spoon scraping the bottom of his bowl of cereal he's having before bed. I just had to get up and walk out of the room before I exploded.

When I came back after he was done, he asked me what was up and I pulled out the "It's not's me" card and explained about the sound irritating me. Rationally, the sound shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did..just like the sound of him eating popcorn earlier shouldn't have irritated me. But it did. Every sound just seems amplified by one million percent and I just want it to stop.

Or I want to just scream from the sheer stupidity of it all.

Doesn't help that I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to drop my son off with my ex either. I'm sleeping horribly...worse than usual...and I know that's just because of everything going on, but it's certainly not helping my mood. It's probably good that the kids are both going to be gone for the holiday weekend..I need an emotional break.

I feel like my skin is crawling..constantly. I don't remember this happening when I was in therapy before. This is different than how I'd feel back then. I'd cry on the ride home and then be okay the next day. Maybe it's because it was only session #1..but I feel like crud today. Desperately angry and sad.



  1. Hi, I got to your blog from Kelly's. I commend you for your ability to write about your feelings. I am an adoptive mother. My beautiful daughter's birth parents were two teenagers who were good friends of my then-teenage son. We have a very open adoption, which works well for us. We live in another (close-by) state now, but keep in touch over facebook and email, and there's always an open invitation for them to come for a visit - and we have visited them in their town. They are both married to other people and have gotten on with their lives. Our daughter has pictures of herself with her birth-mom proudly displayed on her dresser. Her birth-father has another son who looks just like our daughter, and they know each other. Our daughter is eleven now and seems to be well-adjusted and very happy. If she has questions, we answer them honestly. If she wants to communicate with any of her birth family, we are supportive of that. The extended families of both birth parents know our daughter and are happy that we share her with them. Of course it's painful for all of them that this beautiful girl isn't part of their everyday lives. And I know, that somewhere down the line, when she becomes a teen or at any other time, she may have issues. We love her and will be there for her no matter what. If she wants a deeper relationship with her birth families, then that will be ok with us. We have been given the gift of raising this wonderful child. She is a huge part of our extended family - accepted and loved unconditionally by everyone. I hope that she feels that. I am so sorry that you didn't feel that in your adoptive family. I personally believe that keeping secrets from your children about their beginnings is wrong. I'm glad that you have met your birth parents and that things are going well for you. Best of luck to you in your life. You seem like you're on the right track. Regards, Tammy

  2. "It's not you, it's me"....I have that one down! Like I said...kindred spirits.


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