I'm tired of being told that I need to get help for my anger towards my adoptive parents and realize instead that adoption is wonderful and such a gift and saves children who would otherwise be on the street.
Adoption is NOT a gift if you are on the other side of the Triad. You lose part of yourself by simply existing. Infertility should not be a reason to adopt...sorry to all of those who cannot have children...I am genuinely sorry for the loss you must feel, but what about the loss of the adoptee?? Your loss is solved by adoption. Our loss is CAUSED by adoption.
I am not naive enough to think that adoption will ever be wiped out of society. I know that there are certain circumstances in which the biological family cannot or perhaps more often, will not, care for the child. In those instances, the child should be placed in foster care and then placed for adoption once it's established that no biological relative will take them in. Family preservation should be the norm, not the exception.
I'm tired of having my story invalidated or negated simply by the words "Sorry your life was f*cked up, but that won't happen to MY child". Really?? Now you are the ones being naive. I'm not suggesting that every adoptee will feel the same way about things...not every adoptee will come out of the fog that they are surrounded by. And that's okay...what is NOT okay though is to assume that it won't happen. That one day the child that grew up in your home will come home and question their existence. It could happen. And my only prayer is that there are AP's out there who will question that right along side of the adoptee.
Certainly in some cases the loss is caused by the adoption because of coercion and other unethical practices. But in cases where things were ethical and no other natural family available - I don't think the adoption caused the loss. The loss was already there.
ReplyDeleteI am certainly not negating your feelings of loss. I fully expect my adopted child will have those feelings as well. And I certainly don't feel I somehow "saved" my child and she owes me. I am the one who wanted a child and naively thought that there were actual orphans out there who needed homes. Now I know that in many cases the orphans are only orphans due to the demand for adopted children. I did not adopt due to infertility.
I'm not trying to lump all AP's in the same "I saved this child" category...I know that's what it might have sounded like. I was actually responding to a few AP's that commented on something I'd written on another blog. Basically, I was told to 'get over it' and move on. And while I'm trying to move on...I'll never fully get over it. Adoption, for better or for worse, is part of my story..and I can only move forward from here.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree (respectfully) with your statement that adoption didn't cause the loss...my loss..or the loss of other adoptees. The loss of one's natural family and heritage IS caused by adoption. If I'd stayed with my natural mother, there wouldn't have been loss...and I wouldn't be grieving the years that I missed out on with her.
I would never say you should "get over it". I think people are too quick to give that kind of advice when they've never been in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteMy parents seems to think I should "get over" reading about adult adoptees, trying to find out more about unethical practices in IA, trying to find out more about my child's background. It is very frustrating.... I can no longer talk to them about it. They don't want to hear it. However, I will not keep my head in the sand.
I hope you NEVER stop reading about what adult adoptees deal with on a daily basis...I can't promise that my blog will be rainbows and sunshine...lol...obviously that won't happen for awhile...but I do promise to answer your questions and to really listen to what you (and all other AP's) have to say about the entire situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Cricket - your life and your story are yours. No one has a right to tell you how you should feel or what you should do with those feeings. I disagree with some of your opinions but this is your space to express your feelings and your opinions. You have a right to that, to be heard not just negated. I come and read because there is no way I will ever feel what an adopted child feels and as an AP I need to understand.
ReplyDeleteCricket-I began tonight reading your story-I know it will take much longer to even begin to grasp what you are saying, and that even then, I will never really be able to understand. But I felt I should tell you that you are not alone, even if you're circumstances don't match mine or another person's, and that I hope there is some hope for you in telling your story, in peeling back the layers, in letting out what has been bottled far too long. As I read, I wish you peace. Not shutting up. But a way for you to make peace with the past and find peace for yourself for today and tomorrow. No more emotional breadcrumbs and french fries.
ReplyDeleteHello Cricket. I think that is your name. I do not fully understand your position, not because I don't want to, but because I have not walked in your shoes. It sounds like grieving your loss has become a part of your life journey. Grief is not enjoyable, but maybe it deepens our ability to relate with others who are grieving or will grieve in the future. You have a unique perspective on life that can help others grow through difficulty.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if there might ever be a good situation for adoption. Is there an upside to adoption? For instance, what if parents and capable family are deceased? Or what if a country's system does not provide the same social safety net as America so that starvation leads to death? In these instances, would you view adoption as favorable?
Thanks for expressing your concerns. I think that you might have a greater power to help others than you think.
Hi Jon…
ReplyDeleteCricket is a childhood nickname and the name that I choose to go by on this blog. My very first post here explains who I actually am, and who I might have been.
Thank you so much for stopping by and for your kind words.
Honestly, unless all adoptees are given free access to their birth certificates and medical histories…then I have to respectfully say that no…there is not a good situation for adoption. Simply adopting a child because you can't have your own biological offspring isn't a good enough reason..to me anyway. It isn't God's will that someone is infertile..and it isn't God's will that children grow up without their heritage and natural families.
There needs to be better programs in place to deal with teenagers getting pregnant and knowing that there are other options besides abortion or adoption…like, parenting their children themselves. Yes, I understand that in certain circumstances, children will have no one..and in those instances, I'd suggest foster care adoptions. Reason being, the adoption agencies are very pushy and shady and only looking for money..they are businesses after all. I just don't think that taking a child from their homeland is ever a good idea…
Again, thank you for stopping by and I hope you return.
~Cricket
"Or what if a country’s system does not provide the same social safety net as America so that starvation leads to death?"
ReplyDeleteThis... does not bother an adoptive parent? at all?
P.S. Cricket, what is the adoption forums you've been hanging out at? I'm curious.
Mei-Ling...I emailed you :)
ReplyDelete