Complimentary

The above quote is attributed to Judy Garland.

I've never done well with compliments.  Never.  I've always figured that people are just being nice when they tell me I'm pretty..or that I am intelligent...they can't mean it...not about me.  I'm the dumpy chick who never has the right clothes..or the right haircut.  I'm the girl who had the dogbone thrown at her in 7th grade...

Today though, I received a compliment that literally changed my perception of myself.  Not just any compliment though...one of the most touching, beautiful compliments I've ever heard.  I'm not quite sure if my friend Jen knows how much it meant to me...and I can't really express my emotions about it properly without sounding like a buffoon..but suffice to say, she had me crying at work.  I love you Jen.

She told me that she "loves my realness".  That I'm true to myself. 

Wow.  Me??

I've been called many things...but real is not one of them. 

I spent my entire life being something I wasn't...happy.  I pretended that things were wonderful growing up because that was what was expected of me.  I was a fraud. 

I'm learning how to speak up for myself.  I DO have feelings that I can share safely.  No one can take those emotions and feelings away from me.  I own them.  And rather than stifling them down..and locking them away in the treasure chest of my heart, I am opening Pandora's box and letting them be free.

It's still a work in progress..this journey to "realness".  But the fact that Jen sees that in me means that I'm doing something right.

So, thank you Jen...for helping me to believe in myself. 

To Lia

Well, how things can change after the click of the "Publish Post" button.

I guess I should have waited to see whether you actually were considering parenting your child..because that was where my response was coming from.  Judging from the comments I found out you tried to make on one of my adoptee friend's blogs, you have already made your mind up and are only looking for someone to tell you that you are making the right decision.

Sorry, that's not me.  Perhaps you should unfollow this blog because you won't get the "Oh, what a wonderful thing you are doing for your child".  You just won't. 

Telling someone to shut up because she was talking about HER mother on HER blog isn't going to make you any friends.

Lose my blog URL please.  Thanks.

Afraid To Say The Wrong Thing

I woke up this morning..checked my Gmail from my phone and saw that I had another comment on my last post.  From Lia.  I read the comment and immediately jumped up, started my laptop and began pacing around the kitchen. 

Hi. Your blog is interesting as hell. I'm new to this whole blogosphere thing but it was pointed out to me that I need to reach out to people and somehow I stumbled into the adoptee world which is just so... weird. I'm a young pregnant chick working through the adoption process (more like slogging, actually) and I dunno I guess I just want to make sure the a-parents I choose aren't like this Russian chick. Are you in touch with your birth parents? Were you growing up? Did you have a good experience growing up?



Gaaah okay sorry.
-Lia

First of all, thank you Lia.  Thank you for taking the advice of your friend that told you to reach out to people in Blogland...and I'm glad you stopped by.  I want to answer your questions...and hope that my responses don't scare you off.

In regards to making sure the a-parents you choose wouldn't be like the last Blog o' Shame winner...you can't.  Pure and simple.  My aparents went through home studies...talked the talk...walked the walk...and got two daughters out of the deal..one in 1970 and one in 1974 (me).   And there wasn't a day that went by when I was growing up that I didn't have to show how grateful I was to be saved from a life being raised by a teenager. 

I paid with my self confidence. 
I paid with my voice. 
I paid with my innocence. 

I paid with my life.


My natural mother found me on Myspace in 2008..and made first contact with me in July of that year.  From the very beginning, our relationship came really easily.  For the very first time in my life, I felt loved.  Not because of the grades I could get..or because of the great job I did vacuuming the rugs..or because I kept my mouth shut at the appropriate times or because I said "I'm sorry" the correct number of times, thereby avoiding the wrath of my mother.  My natural mother loved me, sight unseen..and had loved me for the 34 years we'd been apart. 

No, unfortunately, my adoption was not open.  I'm not sure whether my feelings for my natural mother would be as intense as they are if it had been.  All I can really tell you is that regardless of whether my childhood had been great, and whether my aparents had been all they'd hyped themselves up to be (instead of the abusive twitwads they actually were)...I still would have dreamed about my natural mom and family. 

I don't say any of this to hurt you Lia..I guess I just hope that you really look at all your options.  I wasn't prepared to parent my daughter...and I was 24 at the time I found out I was pregnant.  But for myself, coming from a life that had sprung from such deep loss, I knew that I couldn't give her away...

My email address is on my blogger profile...I hope you'll write me if you have more questions..or if you couldn't understand what I wrote in the above post.  If that's the case, I'm wicked sorry...I have no business trying to form a complete sentence at 6:30am on a Saturday.

Time To Change My Age In My Profile

::giggle::  Sorry guys, couldn't resist.

Had a great day today.  Dropped off Chase with his father...he was sad that he was going to be gone today but my ex and I share the same birthday and this was his scheduled weekend..not to mention the fact that it's Father's Day tomorrow.  Told him we'd celebrate on Monday when he gets home so he was okay.

Went and got my nails done..my one and only guilty pleasure..and then did a little shopping at Old Navy (okay, so the nails thing is ONE of my guilty pleasures..lol).  Spent the afternoon putting together my nmom's birthday present.  I'm giving her a photo album with a bunch of my baby pictures since she never got to take any of me. 

The only hiccup came when the guy at the photo place asked me why I was taking a trip down memory lane with all the pictures and I told him the truth.  He said, "Wow, that's really creepy that she found you on the internet..aren't you pissed at her?  I mean, if you grew up with a great family, isn't she intruding on that?"  I looked him square in the eyes and said, "See, I DIDN'T grow up in a great family.  And regardless of whether I did or didn't, she's my mother."  I paid for the pictures and hightailed it out of there before I kicked him in the nuts said something unkind. 

Met my afamily for dinner..opened presents and Steven, Maddie and I headed out for a ride.  I was driving and he told me to head to one of the shopping plazas in the area.  Ended up at Best Buy, where he proceeded to help me pick out my present from him.  A new camcorder!  I've been wanting one for awhile.  It's difficult to videotape Maddie's concerts in one minute increments on my digital camera so this will be great for that!

Tomorrow I'm packing up Madelyn and we're heading out to Gloucester for the Pirate Faire (my n-uncle's picture is the top one on the right in the link).  My n-uncle is one of the actors performing during the day and since Chase got to go last year, it's my girl's turn this year.  We'll meet up with my Chriss, Cate and some of their friends...just have to remember to pack the sunscreen. Lol..I'm still peeling from the sunburn I got three weeks ago at the beach. 

Sorry for all the babbling...hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Gentleness, Emails and Snickers

Hmmm…work or blog..work or blog…I know, BLOG!


I'm going to say this gently for all of my readers..because you should know by now that I love you all dearly. You're like an extended family…lol..that makes THREE families under my belt ;)

I know the comments within my last couple of posts got really heated..and at times, personal. I'm all for freedom of speech and freedom of expression..but not at the expense of someone's identity. I don't agree with Mongoose..except VERY rarely..I think she'd concur on that point. But as a child, having been mocked relentlessly about my weight, my glasses, my clothes, my hair, my everything, I know how painful that can be to hear.

I spent the bulk of my childhood "losing" my voice because I didn't want to be seen..I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Least of all, my beloved readers..regardless of whether we agree on certain points or not.

Express yourselves…comment to your heart's content…but can we ease up on the personal bits? Please? For me?

Moving on…

Saturday is the day. The big 3-6. I don't say that to get a ton of birthday wishes…just stating that it's coming up..fast and furious. Last week I noticed that my amother was being a bit cold to me on the phone and then just went MIA. Friday, she took Madelyn for her weekly sleepover night at Grammy's and I was able to find out what got her panties in a bunch on Saturday.

Here's the conversation:


Her: So, did you get my email? (said in a terse voice)


Me: No, what email? (genuinely confused)


Her: I sent you an email and you didn't respond.


Me: Which email address did you send it too?


Her: I don't know, whichever one you gave me! (agitated)


Me: My work one, my Gmail one or my AOL one? (annoyed but trying not to show it)


Her: It wasn't your work one..and I don't know what Gmail is (Maddie giggled at this point and I had to give her "The Look"), so it was probably AOL.


Me: That's the email address that I've told you I never check anymore.


Her: Oh! (brightening up considerably) I thought you were just ignoring me!  Well, I was just writing to find out what you wanted for your birthday. 


Me:


Madelyn: (snicker)

Weighty Issues

My head is like a bowl of mush.  I've been feeling like I can't form a complete sentence without sounding like an imbecile so I've been avoiding this blog.  Possibly it's because I skipped therapy last week and even though I thought I was okay with that, my anxiety and depression levels have risen substantially in recent days and I seriously think I'm losing it.

Truthfully, this post might make me sound shallow..but it's my blog so if you don't like, screw (lol).  I hate the way I look.  I've gained a good 50 pounds and when you are only 5'3", that weight adds up quickly on small bones.  I don't look in mirrors if I can help it...and believe me, that takes a great deal of finagling when there's a full length mirror in the bathroom across from the shower.  I hate getting pictures taken of myself...unless they are from the neck up only.  I'll hide behind people so nothing shows except my face..and again, that takes finagling because they always put the short ones in the front. 

Last week, we had a retirement party for one of our colleagues..and the office busybody was bustling around taking pictures of each table.  I tried to hide..I really did..but it didn't work.  And the next day when she passed out our copies of the pictures, I could have sunk down into the floor and sobbed.  I feel really gross.  Seeing myself hammered home the fact that I am not healthy.  And it hurts like crazy.

At my last therapy session two weeks ago, I'd told my therapist that I really want to start doing things to make me happy.  That I need to start taking better care of myself emotionally and physically.  So tonight, she asked me what I've done to fulfill that wish.

I came up with one thing.  Only one thing out of fourteen days.  I took off to the beach for the day with Chase, my natural sister and our mom.  And that day was magical...aside from the frigging bathing suit business.  We dug in the sand and made sand castles...jumped in the waves and laughed as the water splashed us.  Watched a guy on a surfboard being pulled along behind a kite.  Was awesome.

But when she said, "And what else?" I had to admit, I had nothing.

I've decided that I'm going to pack my sneakers in my car tomorrow and start walking again.  Working my way up to jogging/running.  I need to figure out my life...and if I can get healthy, hopefully that will aid in my healing.  I'm tired of the weight that is wearing me down.  And the thing is, I'm not just talking about my body's physical weight...it's the emotional weight as well. 

On a completely different note, the day before we went to the beach, my amother asked to borrow our shovel so she could go to my grandfather's grave and dig a bed for his flowers.  I knew it was going to be hot out so I told her I'd go help her.  The kids and I picked her up and away we went.  Three-quarters of the way there she said, "Hey, do you mind if we go to your dad's grave so we can water his flowers?".

::thud::

My heart started racing, and I began to panic. 

"Sure.  That's fine."  I heard myself say.

While on the inside, I was shouting...You frigging idiot..what are you doing???? 

We got to the cemetery and were digging around Bumpa's stone...planting more flowers, watering the existing ones..while the kids danced merrily around my jeep.

After several minutes I mustered up my courage.

"Hey Mom...I don't mind driving to dad's cemetery, but I'm going to just sit in the car and the kids can help you water, okay?"  I kept my head down and kept digging.

I can't honestly remember what she said..probably something like "Are you alright?  We don't have to go...".

"No, we can go..it's just that I'm just finally realizing that I haven't been honest about some of my feelings..and I'm just trying to honor my truths...".

"Well, if you are sure...the kids can help me water the flowers and you can pull the car up past the stone.  I appreciate you being able to share that you're uncomfortable..".

And so, that's what I did.  The panic eased...and afterwards, I felt lighter.  I guess that's another thing I did for myself to make me happy.

Two things.  It's a start.