Tuesday was really rough. Really rough. All day I felt like my skin was crawling. Truly crawling with a billion little worms moving and squirming, driving me crazy.
Got to therapy and talked about it..told her that I was terribly agitated and couldn't really figure out what was going on specifically...just that it was uncomfortable and I needed help.
Back to my boulder we went. Our intent was to throw the "creepy crawly sensation" into the river. But no. I felt like something was holding me back...or someone. My therapist asked me who or what I thought it was..and as I sat there, on my peaceful rock, Keeper showed up in her long white nightgown and the big green eyes..her dark hair blowing in a nonexistent breeze. I asked her why she didn't want me to throw the creepy crawlies into the river and the only thought I had as I asked her was that she was protecting me. Protecting me from the secrets.
In digging further, I came to understand that she was afraid that if she did tell the secrets, all the parts of me would be completely overwhelmed. And that she wouldn't be needed anymore. Eventually, we (my therapist and I) were able to convince her to let me put the awful feeling of my skin crawling in a huge jug..instead of the river. That way she could still guard it, but I'd be able to function. Found out that Keeper doesn't sleep. She can't. She has "lived" this way her entire life, saving the bruised and injured parts of my psyche from the floodgates of memories and pain. A very shitty way to live if you ask me.
Now, dear friends and readers, I am well aware it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the secrets could be. But I, as well as Keeper and Five, am not ready to say them yet. I'm just really scared...
I know this is going to be bad.