Un-Thanksgiving Like

Been having a hard time lately formulating new posts. Think the holidays are affecting me more this year than usual. I ended up having a nice conversation with my aunt and cousin (adoptive side) on Thanksgiving…finally revealing that I'd been found by my natural mom and family. My aunt cried…asked me all the usual questions…and then, just when I thought I was going to escape unscathed, I got the "How's your mom (meaning my amom) dealing with this?". ::thud::


I'm just so tired of having to censor my words around people…knowing that in the back of their minds, they are more concerned with how my afamily is taking it. Where were you when my father was molesting me?? Where were you when I was awake at 2am listening to the verbal diarrhea that my amother was shooting at me and my asister? Where was your concern then?

Forgive me if I can't feel guilty for my amother anymore about my reunion. I need to be able to rejoice and be happy and not feel bad for it.

I'm NOT grateful that I am adopted…I'm NOT grateful for having the aparents that I was placed with…I was STUCK with them…no one asked my opinion on whom I'd like to grow up with. That choice was taken away from me. I know that my natural mom thought that she didn't have another choice, but I really wish she'd tried. Her mother had even told her that she'd help raise me…but my mom's mind was made up. In her head, she thought that I'd grow up with a mom and dad who wanted children and wanted to love them unconditionally. She wanted me to have the fairytale life that she couldn't offer me. She couldn't have any idea the life that I actually led would be so radically different and…sad. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

Adoption Carnival Four

Time for the Thankgiving edition of the Adoption Carnival over at Grown In My Heart

Obviously, this carnival is dedicated to giving thanks for...whatever...so here goes.

I'm thankful for my children...they are my greatest joys...and the biggest tests of my patience I could ever encounter.  I've struggled as a mother...to overcome my childhood and be the mother I didn't have.  I am thankful that I am learning from the mistakes that I lived through to be better and stronger.  They make me laugh every day...even when life is difficult, I can laugh.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend...he's my very own Martha Stewart...laundry, cooking, cleaning, loving, caring...he does it all...for me, and for my children.

I'm thankful for my amom and sister...we've been through it all...together.  The good times and the difficult times have bonded us in ways that are impossible to put into words.

I'm thankful for my natural mom taking the leap of faith and contacting me on July 11, 2008.  It threw my world into a tailspin, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

I'm thankful for my natural sister and brother...they are amazing and have opened their arms and hearts to me.  (Even though they DO mock me for being so much shorter than they are..lol.  Not my fault that I'm only 5'3" and they are giants!!

I'm thankful for love.

I'm thankful for you.

I've Been Waiting For You

Well, hello there!  I know you're probably confused about why I moved...I just needed a change.  I get antsy in one place for long.  All my old posts are here...as are all the comments...good and bad (lol). 

I hope that you'll continue to follow my journey to self awareness.  I get such joy out of blogging..even when it's about difficult topics. 

Triggered

The newest reality television show hit ABC last night...Find My Family.

I had NO intentions of watching, but then, all of a sudden, my finger pushed the button on the remote and I was sitting on my couch, sobbing my eyes out. Not crying because of how beautiful the show was...but crying because of how it was triggering me.

Before when I was fully engulfed in the fog and not reunited, I'd watch similar shows..like The Locator and cry because I wanted that to be me. I wanted to be found...even though I refused to believe it would ever happen to me.

Watching the show last night, my heart broke for the adoptee...as I realized that she must have been feeling horrible for knowing that her parents (now married with three other children) had given her up and kept the others. How incredibly painful it must have been to hear that her parents gave her up so she could have a better life, when in looking at the natural family, she WOULD have had a good life...with two sisters and a brother.

Now that I'm in reunion with my natural family, that thought hit home for me last night. I WOULD have had a good life with my family...and it just brought out the feelings of loss that much more in focus for me.

Read the following from the website regarding the show:

"What we love about the show is that the emotion is really earned, and it's honest," said ABC alternative series/specials/late-night co-topper John Saade. "It isn't big, contrived moments. We're not looking for train wrecks."

Reunion is like a train wreck though. And pretending that it's all rainbows, fluff and sunshine is just wrong and misleading. You start out on the train, riding at a constant speed, stopping once in awhile to let others on or off at the stations. Then there's an accident..a car or truck on the tracks that causes the train to derail..for an adoptee, this could mean that you find your natural family, or in my case, they find you. Time stops in that instant and the emotions that you feel in that moment are overwhelming. Some good, some not so good. It brings the pain of having been relinquished to the forefront of your mind and you wait for the accident to be cleared off the tracks so you can continue traveling. Might not take long, or it could be a lifelong journey. Regardless of the time, it's something you'll never forget.

Jeebus. I wish I wasn't skipping therapy this week.

Trolling

Yup, apparently I'm a troll. At least according to this blogger...She actually commented on my blog last week, but apparently, the tides have changed and she grew tired of hearing that someone disagreed with what she had to say. I'm sorry for that...and I'm very sorry for her...

I'm not a troll. Just someone who has a blogsearch function on my Google Reader that searches for adoptees/adoption on a daily basis because I like to catch up on what others are talking about. I have other searches saved on Google, of course, but I just wanted to clear up the fact that I'm not actively "seeking" adoptive parents' blogs. In fact, I'd rather NOT read them, but it's like a train crash...I can't tear my eyes away. Friends will also send me links to sites that they think I might be interested in reading...sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't.

To anyone who's been offended by my comments on their blogs, I apologize for that. But I won't apologize for trying to start a conversation in the hopes of showing people my story. No, I can't speak for EVERY adoptee...but I do have a large base of friends who are adopted, and 99.99% of them agree with me and that's a pretty telling percentage if you ask me.

You can take the child out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the child.

"Ordained By God"

I read a blog post today that really gave me pause...for a variety of reasons:

X... and Y..., may you always know that your Dad and I could never love you more were we to share strands of those silly things called DNA. May you always know that you became ours because you were loved and valued, by your first families and by God, and we were all chosen to be a family! I wish everyone knew what a beautiful thing God ordained adoption to be!

First off, DNA is not silly as this poster said. Unless of course, you're an adoptive parent who likes it when others tell you that your adopted child looks like you...

Just last week when I went to pick up my daughter from my amother's apartment, two of the old bitties who live on her floor were out talking to my mother. One of the women, not knowing that I'm adopted, said, "Wow, SHE doesn't look like you Barbara.." referring to me. My mother just smiled and changed the subject, but I wanted to scream at her..."OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK LIKE HER, YOU NINNY...I'M FREAKING ADOPTED!". I should add that right before she said I don't look like my amother, the other old bitty said to me, "Your daughter could be your clone!".

I spent my childhood, teenage years, 20's and early 30's wondering where I got different facial features...and now I know...it's in my DNA. I share many genetic traits with my natural family...and now, I can see that for myself. It's incredibly empowering.

As for my adoption being "ordained by God", my response to that is, what kind of God would place me with abusive parents? Not mine, so the molestation must have been ordained by your God. Not the kind of loving, caring Creator that I believe in...but whatever ::shrug::

A Lot To Think About

Thank you to everyone who commented on my blog today. Really. I couldn't believe how many views I got, and while I certainly didn't get 200 comments to go along with the 200 views (thankfully because I'd probably be responding to them all until 2010), I did learn a little bit more of the give and take between adoptees and AP's.

I appreciate the dialogue...good, bad, indifferent...it made me think. Perhaps my brain is on overload now though because I can't form a complete thought.

Good night.

Rude Awakening

So, I don't agree with international adoption...or domestic adoption. But I've always been semi-okay with foster-to-adopt. I thought that "those kids" needed families more than the kids being ripped away from their homelands and natural families.

But really, what is the difference? The children in foster care have families too. Families that they were taken from in much the same way that the international and domestic adoptees were taken from.

One of my online friends called out a bunch of us on it today. She was in foster care and made me realize how very hurtful our words were.

Wow. I really feel awful.

It'd Be Easy

It'd be easy to go completely private on this blog. I've considered it several times actually...but then I've realized that it's important to get my words out...no matter how someone else might view my opinions or experiences.

I've noticed other bloggers flouncing out of the public blogosphere because of comments that were made on their sites. And I think it's silly. Grow thicker skin and speak up for yourself! I've had really lousy comments directed my way, but instead of running, I've faced them head on. And I'll continue to do so.

If you disagree with a bunch of lowly adoptees, then tell us why. But I have to warn you, using God or Fate or whatever as a reason for why adoption is awesome won't cut it with most of us.

National Adoption Month...Hmmmmm

It goes to show how much in the fog I was until recently. I didn't even KNOW that someone had come up with the idea of National Adoption Month (hereafter referred to as NAM).

From the description on the above linked site, it would seem to be a great idea. Raising awareness and promoting adoption for children who are in foster care....great, right? My problem with it comes when people use NAM in their responses to comments as proof that it's a wonderful thing ALL the time. It's not. It's completely offensive to adoptees to celebrate such loss and pain...it's disrespectful. Just as it's disrespectful to proclaim that it was "God's will" that a mother gave up her child so a couple who were unable to have their own children could take over and become the parents.

Spending time with my natural mom solidifies our bond...and yes, makes me extremely resentful that she felt that her only choice was to give me up. Would my life have been hard? Maybe. But no more hard than it was to live with the monsters people entrusted to my care...

I had both of my children out of wedlock. Never in my mind was there a chance that I'd give them up for someone else to raise. Was I prepared to be a mom? No. Honestly it's been difficult. If I'd have a choice, I would have waited until the relationships I was in were more stable. But with all the issues I had growing up, I'm not surprised that this is the course of my life. I don't begrudge my mother the choice she made for herself..and for me...but that doesn't mean that I'm not hurt.

It's not easy for people who aren't adopted to understand the point of view of adoptees. We're labeled as being anti-adoption. But really, shouldn't we be allowed to be bitter? And if not, tell me why...

The Power of Three

I've split myself. Okay, that might not make sense to you...but to me, it makes perfect sense.

There's "Little Cricket"...the little girl who spent the bulk of her childhood hiding. Trying to stay three steps ahead of her a-mom so that she could say the right things to avoid being yelled at. The little girl who dreaded coming home after school because it was a crapshoot. Either things would be fine, or she'd walk into a minefield...dodging the explosions of an angry woman...or the abuse of a sick man.

Then there's "Wise Cricket". She's the peaceful one. The one who remembers all the 'bad stuff'...and yet remains calm..confident. She's very courageous too. Keeping the secrets until it's time to reveal all. I've never actually met "Wise Cricket"...no one has.

The last is the "Manager". She spends her day running interference between Little Cricket and Wise Cricket. Sometimes Wise Cricket wants to tell her little counterpart all the gory details of the past..wants to pass on the wisdom she's come to acquire after the years of abuse...and it's Manager's job to keep that from happening.

My therapist is trying to help me to change Manager's way of thinking. To let her know that it's safe to pass on Wise Cricket's knowledge...so Little Cricket can heal.

Recovery

Had to give myself a few days to recover from therapy last week. It was a really difficult session and I'm not entirely sure how I got through it intact. I've felt like someone/something is holding my shoulders down ever since...and whether that's just in my imagination, or whether it's my body remembering stuff, it's disconcerting and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. My therapist told me that it's possible that it isn't 'safe' to heal that yet...that my subconscious mind won't allow it...well, WTF.

Today my daughter and I are traveling out to see my natural mom for the day...can't wait...it's been awhile and I need some time with her. Desperately. I just feel drained...and in some way, seeing her, being in the same room as her, recharges my life battery.