Monday, November 16, 2009

Rude Awakening

So, I don't agree with international adoption...or domestic adoption. But I've always been semi-okay with foster-to-adopt. I thought that "those kids" needed families more than the kids being ripped away from their homelands and natural families.

But really, what is the difference? The children in foster care have families too. Families that they were taken from in much the same way that the international and domestic adoptees were taken from.

One of my online friends called out a bunch of us on it today. She was in foster care and made me realize how very hurtful our words were.

Wow. I really feel awful.


  1. Cricket-

    I've been searching for a way to say this to you with out sounding like a total jerk and this post is the perfect lead in. Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person who has a delicate way with words so I'm probably going to still sound like a total jerk. If I do just blast me or blow me off ok?

    That total crap feeling you got over this - that is the feeling AP's who happen to stumble on your writing as their first introduction to the other side of adoption get. Only magnify it 100 times by the fact that the whole concept of a down side to adoption is new and strange to them in a way it will never be new and strange to you and another 100 times by the fact that the message was not delivered by a friend but a total stranger.

    This is why I think a lot of them react so knee jerk and negative (and some down right nasty) to what you are saying. Not because they are trying to negate your voice but because they just got what felt like a brutal emotional attack and most folks respond to attack with flight or fight. I'm not saying this to try and shush you - I hope you know I am sincere in that. Only to help explain the vehemenance of some of the people who comment. I don't condone it by the way but I also hope you don't take it personally.

    Honestly, I felt pretty bruised and very hostile after first reading some of your work but I decided to sit with it and just be quiet for a bit. I'm glad I did - I'm not sure why I did since its not a natural reaction for me. Normally when I feel attacked I come out swinging. I don't know why I did not this time but I'm very glad I didn't. I think I learn here and that it is important.

    I think what you and the other adoptees I read have to say is so important for the total adoption community but I think it is not "heard" by more folks because they can easily write it off as attacking or bitter. I'm not saying you have any responsibility to do anything differently - this is your blog and your voice. But I do believe there are others out there that would hear you better if they felt less battered by your words.

  2. Hi Cricket,

    I don't expect any negative coments on my blog at all. I am doing something that is important to me, and to the young woman who's baby I am adopting. There are people who say mean and hurtful things to people, I was merely expressing my anger over other people doing that to someone I know, and that there are ways to find out who they are, and laws that are set up to protect people from being harassed. I have no idea why people would be so opposed to Adoption, it is a wonderful institution that helps people, and is now geared toward giving and being open and not hiding things behind closed paperwork and the like.
    Thank you for your question, it is valid, and I hope I've answered it.
    The IP thing is a no brainer, anyone and everyone can have anyone's ip address, there are very few ways to actually use it yourself, in my case it is merely a place holder, instead of a name. The numbers are logged with the website. My Lj account puts the ip address of every user on every comment.

  3. Kelley,
    I'm glad you stopped by and hope that you'll take a look around my blog to find out why I, and other adoptees, may not agree with you that adoption is a "wonderful institution". To be honest, even writing that down made me sick.

    I'm sorry that you have blinders on (sorry if that offends you, but there it is) and that you don't expect negative comments on your blog...especially when you're writing about such a volatile subject to many people. Good luck with that...honestly...good luck. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you need to grow thicker skin if you're going to blog.

    Thanks for stopping by...and I meant it when I said that I hope you'll read my blog..and other blogs of adult adoptees.

    I too get the ip addresses of everyone who stops by here...but I'd never think to use them as leverage to keep commenters at bay. Just seems unnecessary.

  4. Wow! Exactly how do you know that " a wonderful institution that helps people,? ? ?

    I am curious since you state this as if you know this for a fact and yet, are you and adoptee? a First Mother? a First Father? mmmmmmm.....An adoptive parent? maybe a Prospective Adoptive Parent?

    I can tell you things, just as others can, but you know, you have chosen to believe the party line. Please, before you stick your leg down your throat any farther - read the blogs of adoptees that feel less than human because they were never "good enough" or the ones that barely survived these wonderful parents abuse. Or maybe, if you are interested, you can read about the real mothers stories, the lies that are told to them - even now - about how adoption is the right choice.

    Ignorance is not bliss, it is just ignorance.

  5. We're trying to adopt out of foster care. While their families were not able to keep them, the "system" does make it so the children can have contact with their families, as long as that's safe for the child. So they are not completely cut off.


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