Monday, November 30, 2009

Un-Thanksgiving Like

Been having a hard time lately formulating new posts. Think the holidays are affecting me more this year than usual. I ended up having a nice conversation with my aunt and cousin (adoptive side) on Thanksgiving…finally revealing that I'd been found by my natural mom and family. My aunt cried…asked me all the usual questions…and then, just when I thought I was going to escape unscathed, I got the "How's your mom (meaning my amom) dealing with this?". ::thud::

I'm just so tired of having to censor my words around people…knowing that in the back of their minds, they are more concerned with how my afamily is taking it. Where were you when my father was molesting me?? Where were you when I was awake at 2am listening to the verbal diarrhea that my amother was shooting at me and my asister? Where was your concern then?

Forgive me if I can't feel guilty for my amother anymore about my reunion. I need to be able to rejoice and be happy and not feel bad for it.

I'm NOT grateful that I am adopted…I'm NOT grateful for having the aparents that I was placed with…I was STUCK with them…no one asked my opinion on whom I'd like to grow up with. That choice was taken away from me. I know that my natural mom thought that she didn't have another choice, but I really wish she'd tried. Her mother had even told her that she'd help raise me…but my mom's mind was made up. In her head, she thought that I'd grow up with a mom and dad who wanted children and wanted to love them unconditionally. She wanted me to have the fairytale life that she couldn't offer me. She couldn't have any idea the life that I actually led would be so radically different and…sad. I guess hindsight is 20/20.


  1. Cricket-
    Do you know if she was asking from "concern" for your amom's feelings or from a - is she giving you crap for this how are you dealing with her drama over it - perspective? You know them better so it may have been really obvious but I have been really surprised by relatives of my mom at times. We have a pretty bad relationship and I always assumed questions about her were aimed just as you feel - "what are you doing to / for her" Like my life should revolve around her. My grandmother made me feel this way in particular until one day she specifically asked - how are you holding up with your mom's drama over this (my second miscarriage). It made me revisit a lot of her comments in a new light. It may not be applicable at all to your situation but just a thought.

    You are completely correct - your reunion is about you not her - not that you need me to tell you that. I hope if little man ever decides to seek out his first family that I don't get all freaky on him. I'll worry - there is a lot of ugly history there for him to process. But if its what he wants I hope I can be the support he needs not another drama.

  2. Hi Tina,

    I have a feeling that it's more me internalizing the comments that I've gotten. Awhile back when my mother ended up prompting me to tell my uncle about my reunion, I told him and he didn't say much. She said, after he'd left, "Well, he was probably just really worried about how I was taking the news..". That just really rubbed me the wrong way and so, my aunt was probably just asking in a kind way, but I guess I'm just tired of having to worry about others' feelings so much. (I know that makes me sound like a b1tch but there it is...

    My mother doesn't really talk to me about my natural family much anymore...and I don't really divulge any information other than "They're fine" if she asks about them. She just gets really quiet and will just say "Oh?" if I mention that I'm seeing them. It makes me sad but I'm learning that I can't change things and can't feel guilty for doing what feels right for me.

    In peace,

  3. Cricket,

    I think one of the worst things we do to adoptees during the reunion is forget just how very much it is about them and how this time it is their right to do what they feel they should without having to worry whose feelings they might hurt.

    Even as First Mom when the first steps of reunion began between my son (right before we met for the first time face to face) I was so concerned that his amom would be mad or hurt or upset. It didn't hit me at first that it wasn't about her at all. It was about my son only!

    I think we are so foolish in our vision of still seeing adoptees as that small child between two sets of parents. We so often keep them in that limbo of having no say, even as adults and placing too much concern on how the two sides will feel without stopping and realizing that this is the chance adoptees finally have to control their own life and make their own choices and none of us have a right to expect them to take those steps while trying to walk the minefield of worrying about everyone elses feelings along the way.

    You have every right to make this all about you, and only you. And nobody should ever expect different.

  4. Cricket - I find that while I may tell myself you don't have to feel X or its ok to feel Y - that knowing it doesn't always translate to what I feel. Be kind to yourself where you can. You may not be able to help feeling tired of their needs or pressured by statements that they meant kindly but don't judge yourself for how you feel on top of the feeling too. You are not a bitch for needing time to focus on you and what you feel. (IF that makes any sense)

  5. Wow, lots of passion here. Cassi, you know I love you, but we have to disagree. It is about the adopted person, absolutely. But it is not exclusively about the adopted person, there is a mother in there too.

    While my daughter has had no problem telling me everything she felt - sometimes to the point of being truly horrble - she also knew that I had feelings to.

    We all want to worry about feelings, but the truth is, it's gonna hurt. It will hurt you, your mother, your amother and everyone else involved. The only way to make it not hurt is to just say it straight up, lovingly of course, and let them decide how stupid they are going to react.

    It is a mess. It is messy and it is where each of us, first mothers and adopted persons, must face the past. We are all adults and we have to decide how we are going to handle it. But to worry about it, forget it - just do what you have to do to be whole and real.


Share your words of wisdom with the rest of the class. :)