Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Out of Sorts

Been feeling out of it for a few days. Just a general sense of "blah". I just can't seem to pull myself out of this funk..and it's really not anything specific that I can put my finger on that's causing me this angst.

I got a text message from one of my friends last night that I told her I hadn't gotten til this morning, thus the reason I hadn't responded..but the truth was, I'd started crying after I read it and couldn’t text back. She knows the whole story…she's read this blog.

Thx 4 being my friend!
I love you..things will get better 4 u, I promise :)

In my head, I know that eventually things WILL get better…but right now, in the middle of it, my heart is broken for the little girl I once was and it's hard to tell HER that it will get better.

I think I might have to take a break from commenting on other's blogs…or posts on forums. I just don't feel like it's healthy right now for me to get upset at perfect strangers for doing what they feel best for themselves….regardless of how sad it makes me for the adoptees who might one day end up like me. Waiting eagerly for the next email from my natural mom…waiting for the phone call from my sister…and then hearing about how they (nmom, nsis and nbrother) all hung out the other day. And while I recognize that it's easy for them to all get together since they live in the same general area, it still hurts my heart that I still feel like I don't fit in.

Where do I belong?

The other day in therapy, I used the following analogy to describe how I'm feeling about my reunion. It's like I'm standing on the ground and all of a sudden this huge crack opened up in the earth beneath my feet. One foot is on the side with my adoptive family..and the other is on the side with my natural family. I feel like I have to make a choice on which side to jump to and my "grateful" adoptee side is saying, "Adoptive side! Adoptive side!" but the "fuck you for destroying my self-esteem" adoptee side is saying, "Natural side! Natural side!".

Maybe I don't have to make the choice…but sometimes I think it'd be easier if I did.


  1. Cricket,

    I just wanted to say thank you for commenting on my blog (and being nice about it). We have different perspectives and I cannot pretend to be in your place, or even my daughters, but I appreciate you sharing your journey so that it gives me insight of how Kaylee might feel some day.

  2. Thanks Leah...I know that it's difficult sometimes to discern true concern for a child from a stranger...from feeling attacked on your own blog. I hope that you do continue to read my blog, and other adoptees' blogs for more insight as Kaylee grows. I do have to tell you that I'm glad for her that she has you AND her adoptive mom holding her hands as she matures.


  3. Yeah. We're exiles to our own original families, aren't we?

    There's this huge part of their lives we just can never reclaim.

  4. It really and truly sucks...and then I feel guilty for being jealous...GAH.

  5. You express an emotion that cripples so many adoptees including my bson. Guilt because your
    adopters paid money and signed papers. Do I
    sound angry? Yep because adoptees are not
    owned by anyone. If that were the case no one
    would ever leave home and marry and have children.
    Loving your birthmother will not make you love
    your adopter less. She wanted and paid for you.
    I think you owe her nothing.


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