Take Me Or Leave Me

Wow.  I never expected my last post to generate so many comments, but I wanted to thank each and every person who commented as it just goes to show that there are many varying opinions about abortion and adoption and what is acceptable to write about out there.

All I can say is that this blog is my chance to offer you MY opinions.  Just me.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with me all the time, or even part of the time.  That’s not why I’m here.  I’m here to get my feelings and emotions out, regardless of what POWERDAD may think..lol.  I’m an adoptee and I’m a survivor.  I have a right to my opinions, just like all of you have a right to yours.  Don’t want to hear what I have to say?  That’s fine…just click on the “X” at the top of the screen and be gone.  It’s as easy as that. 

I did have just a few things I wanted to say before I hit “Publish”.

POWERDAD:

I don’t think of myself as a victim.  Like I said above, I am a survivor.  I am not strong because I am adopted…I am strong in spite of it.  And regardless of how you try to spin my words, I do acknowledge that there are certain circumstances where children cannot live with their natural families.  As I stated in my comments on the below post, I believe in guardianship.  Give a child a family but do not take away their heritage and their link to their natural families. 

Chris:

I am really glad you have been reading my blog, but I cannot change the way I am or how I talk or write.  I’m sorry if you disagree with me commenting on other’s blogs but isn’t that the whole point of blogs anyway?  I cannot promise that I won’t continue to point out other blogs or sites that I don’t agree with.  Again, that’s my right..just as it’s everyone else’s right to link to my blog to call me out on something they take offense to.  And for the record, I’m discouraged by the conversation as well. 

Colleen:

I did visit your blog and saw the video of you campaigning outside of the abortion clinic.  You have your thoughts on the matter and I have mine.  Clearly we will never agree…and while I am a bit appalled by your methods, you’re entitled to preach your God’s words any way you’d like.  Please don’t tell me that I’m not Christian or am evil because I don’t go along with your way of thinking though.  Judge not, lest ye be judged, right?

So Cliche

I'm wondering if I should put some rainbows and unicorns on the background of my blog and take out any references to my adoptive family so that when I comment on an adoptive parent's blog and they come here to check me out they won't immediately jump on the fact that I wasn't brought up in a happy dappy home.  Sigh. 

I commented on a blog (that I'd actually commented on a few weeks ago, linking to the Open Letter at the top of my blog) yesterday.  It was one of those posts that just eats you up inside. 

I give full credit for the post to the author...no one else would want that credit anyway.  (Lol..at least I can keep my sense of humor). 

So anyway, I replied to a comment the author had left in response to someone else (still with me?) and got a scathing (insert big ass eye roll) comment in return. 

Get to the point Christina..lol.  I know, I know.


Here's the post...

I'm copying and pasting the comments in question.  I'm not sure who "a face in the crowd" is but at least they tried.  I'm the "elenakatherine" in the equation, in case you've been hiding under a rock for the past three years..haha.  I'll be bolding the adoption cliches that we've all heard before but this is an excellent example of all the cliches rolled up into one place by one adoptive parent.  Please let me know if I miss any.  ;)



a face in the crowd on January 23, 2013 at 9:46 am said:

You do realize, don’t you, that ANY human being on the face of this earth could have been aborted? This isn’t an alternate fate relegated only to adoptees. As an adoptee myself, I get tired of hearing this from every single person who discovers I am adopted. “You are so lucky, you could have been aborted!!” they will proclaim, when yes, I think this is something that has crossed my mind once or twice. It seems to me (from what you have written) that your son’s mother never even once considered abortion – so to thank her now for not choosing something she didn’t choose to begin with? Seems like a slap in the face. To her, and your son.

Reply ↓

• littlesoul2 on January 23, 2013 at 6:27 pm said:

  Hello, and thank you for commenting. Yes, I do realize that any child conceived has the potential to be aborted. But, “unplanned” babies are certainly at the highest risk…whereas those who are “welcomed” may perhaps face abortion if they are later deemed not perfect by today’s standards.
  For the unplanned child in the womb, there are basically three fates awaiting him/her: the mother will decide to carry the child to term and raise her child herself or with the support of family members; the mother chooses to abort the child (this is the choice for close to one out of three pregnancies in the U.S.), the mother realizes that she does not have the resources (emotional, financial, family support, etc.) to care for her child, but finds killing her own baby abhorrent, and so she makes an adoption plan. This is the rarest of the three choices..by far.
  Before abortion was legalized, it was not even difficult to adopt multiple children. The family who lived next door to us when I was growing up had four adopted children. But in the 1970′s, waiting lists to adopt became almost endless, and the wait itself often dragged on for years. Many couples eventually gave up.
  Why did this happen? Part of the reason is that changing values made it more acceptable for unmarried women to bear and keep their children. But we know what else happened. We know because we have statistics from the Center for Disease Control and the Alan Guttmacher Institute which have set the number of surgical abortions since 1973 at over 55 million.
  Before abortion was legalized, many of these millions of aborted babies would have been placed for adoption. So, you see, there is a connection.
  My son is an only child, and neither he nor his dad and I wanted it that way. We re-applied to adopt a second child when he was two, but were simply told, “there are no babies…” The agency had placed only six infants the entire previous year. Surely you are aware of tens of thousands of couples traveling out of the US and adopting children from all over the world. Sadly, this is extremely expensive, and many who wish to adopt cannot afford to go this route.
  Having said all of that, I can understand your resentment at being singled out as a special case…an “abortion survivor,” when perhaps you were never in danger of abortion at all. But, there can be no denying that nowadays, millions of babies do meet their deaths in the womb when 40 years ago, they would have been protected by law, and placed for adoption or raised by extended family.
  But, let me make it clear that I do not think infertile couples have a right to anyone else’s child. Our infertility is our own problem, and it is no one else’s responsibility to provide us with a “ready made” family. However, when a woman like my son’s birth mother chooses to give her baby to a couple longing for a child, well that is an inestimable gift. I have read your blog, so I know you don’t like that term “gift,” but I assure you that every child is a GIFT..whether born into its biological family, or entering it through adoption. All children are gifts from God..in my lexicon.
  Finally, I would never presume to ask my son’s birth mother if she had ever considered abortion. However, she appreciated my husband’s poem so much that she kept it for twenty years, and even brought it to her reunion with our son. She also made his birth father a copy…and me as well. And my son, well he has always realized that being adopted makes him a bit different in some ways, but he knows that he is loved by the family who raised him as well as the woman and man who gave him life. Now that he is married, hopefully he will one day have children in whom he will experience both blood and family united, and that for him will be a special joy.
  I wish you well in finding peace with your own situation. Please feel free to comment here at anytime. Thank you and God bless!

  Reply ↓
  • elenakatherine on February 4, 2013 at 8:06 am said:

    What strikes me is that you tried to adopt again..but there were no more babies. If you truly wanted to help find a family for unplanned children, why wouldn’t you have adopted out of foster care? Truly unbelievable.
    And, that son you adopted, has two families. The one that he was born into and the one he got put into. Both real…both equally as important.

    Reply ↓
    • littlesoul2 on February 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm said:

      Elena, I am astonished at how angry you seem to be at me…a stranger. I do believe that I heard from you a few weeks ago, when you left me a link to a long post on your blog about how dreadful adoption is for all adoptees, etc. I did read every word of it carefully. Obviously you, and those you associate with have very deep and painful feelings about having been adopted. I am so sorry that you are suffering, but it is not true that all adoptees feel the same way. I have known many adopted young adults who have no interest in even finding their biological parents. Each person is unique, and each will have a different experience in adoption. I am so sorry yours has been hurtful.
      My own son enjoyed the search for his biological roots, but once re-connected with his birth parents he was satisfied, and for several years now has only casual contact with them. That is his choice….as is the decision regarding “which” family is more important to him.
      It is strange that you would think it “truly unbelievable” that my husband and I did not adopt out of foster care. Having a biological child as well as adopting any child is a most personal decision. Only the people involved know their own strengths and capacities. It is certainly not for others to judge.
      Elena, I do hope you can find peace with the past that you cannot change. You look quite young, and so have so much life to live. I pray it will be beautiful for you…and I wish you well. Peace.
      PS Elena, I just visited your blog and read a few posts. I learned that you did not grow up in a very loving adoptive home, and in fact referred to it as “abusive.” In that case, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Please know that your bad experience surely has impacted your views on adoption. I agree that being adopted, even under the best circumstances, can be a challenge, but in a truly loving home, an adopted child and his adoptive parents really can become a real family.
      I am happy that you have re-connected with your mom and extended family. Sounds like that worked great for you! And..most of all, so happy you have your own little ones to love. I look forward to that for my son…family that he not only loves, but also can “see” himself in. We couldn’t give him that. But he does own our hearts. Wishing you only happiness…

Sigh. So many thoughts running through my head. First and foremost, what I want people to take away from this post is this:

It doesn't matter about my childhood. It doesn't matter what kind of home life I had...AT ALL. I lost my heritage. I lost my rights to my original birth certificate. I lost my family. And yes, I have reunited with my mother and my siblings. I do have a beautiful life in spite of being adopted, not because of it

.

And by the way, "littlesoul2", that Open Letter you read? That letter was supposed to make you think...not get defensive. It makes me sad that most (not all, because I know I have awesome readers who read this blog and can understand where I am coming from) adoptive parents read my posts and just dismiss me as an angry person. There's a difference between being angry and having anger. I have anger towards the adoption industry as a whole. She said it herself, "there were no more babies". GOOD, I say. You know what that means? It means that more mothers were keeping their children...it means that instead of "making the ultimate loving sacrifice", more women were realizing that they'd rather abort the child than condemn them to a life of missing out on their family.

Apparently, I’m In A Foul Mood Today A.K.A. Get It Straight

I have a car.  It’s MY car..not yours.  I own a house with my fiance.  It’s OUR house, not yours.  I have a job.  Granted, it sucks, but it is still MY job, not yours.  I have parents (several of them, in fact).  They are MY parents, not yours.  This computer I’m typing on?  MINE…all MINE..and NOT YOURS.

And for the record, that woman who is giving you her child via the “miracle of adoption”…is not YOUR birth mother.  She is your adopted child’s mother.  And while I’m sure it makes things seem all cozy in your world to call her YOURS…it’s just not right to refer to her that way.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have read adoptive/potential adoptive parent’s blogs in which they say, “We talked to our birth mother today!”.  No, you talked to an expectant woman who may or may not decide to hand over their child to your care.   

Sigh.  Just stop it already.

**I LOATHE the words "birth mother" used in combination but figured I would use them for emphasis.

Unreal

After I had my daughter back in 2000, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as fiercely or as much as her.  She was amazing (still is, but I’m biased..lol) and I cherished every moment of her babyhood and toddler years, even when the Terrible Two’s hit with a scary vengeance.  Then I became pregnant with my son…and rather than have to make room for him in my heart, I was in awe of the way my heart expanded and multiplied a thousand-fold for this new tiny being.  Having grown up in a household where love was considered a privilege and not something to be given out freely, I didn’t understand the “Love multiplies” phenomenon until I experienced it firsthand.  I don’t love one of my children more than the other.  I just love. 

Perhaps that’s why I get so frustrated when I read adoptive parents getting angry and proclaiming, “WE’RE her parents!  We are raising her..we are the ones who take care of her on a daily basis!  Us!  We!  Me!  Me!  Me!”.

Why is it that as parents, we can say, I don’t love one of my children more than the other…but when it comes to children having more than one set of parents, as do all adoptees, or children whose parents have remarried, or in the case of my children, have a man (my fiancé) who has been in their lives almost forever, suddenly there is a contest for who is the best.  Why can’t we just agree that love is love is love is love and get on with life?