Friday, June 10, 2011

Like A Brand New Hoover...

I completely and utterly suck big dustballs.

You’ve heard all the usual excuses….work, kids, life. It’s more like avoidance, fatigue and irritation. Those are the reasons I’ve been gone so long this time. Sad that there was a “this time” again..but there it is.

Went on a road trip with my mom and sister (both of the natural persuasion...and for the purposes of this story, since I have no intention of discussing my adoptive mother on this post, I’m leaving off the “n” in front of mom and sister but they are who I’m talking about).

We drove down to Delaware to visit my grandfather…I’d mentioned him in this post. It was a bittersweet weekend. Sweet because I feel like he was really glad I’d come too. On our last sit down with him, he held my hand and my sister’s hand and just looked from me to her, smiling. At the end, we both hugged him…he said to me as I bent over him, “I’m so glad you came to see me..”.

This trip was a bit marred though at the very start. My mom and I had gone to a restaurant for dinner the night before we left for Delaware and while we waited for my sister to arrive we had a very revealing, and painful conversation.

C (mom): So, I found something out from P (natural dad) the other day.

Me (questioning look): What did he say?

C: Well, he told me why he’d broken up with me before my family moved back up North from Maryland.

Me: I thought he was cheating on you…

C: That’s what everyone else told me…but he said that the real reason is that my dad told him to. He didn’t want both me and M (mom’s sister, my aunt) to stay behind. He knew he couldn’t stop M but wanted to make sure I came back with them. He told P to break up with me and to not contact me anymore.

Me: …..Oh my God.

C: P told me that he’d never stopped loving me..that he’d imagined we’d be together forever. I keep thinking how different things would be if I’d stayed and we hadn’t broken up. (She looked at me then with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen…which is when my eyes began to well up.)

Me (after a long pause): But we wouldn’t have C and G (my sister and brother). I can’t imagine not having them in my life…and I know you can’t either.

C: I know..I just thought you should know. I love you Christina.

Me: I love you too.

My sister arrived at that moment and the tears dried up quickly but that conversation has haunted me ever since. Especially going to visit my grandfather. I know in my heart of hearts that he meant well at the time…but would he have made the same choice if he knew that C was pregnant with me?

I know it’s unhealthy to play the “What if?” game but I can’t help it this time.

I’ve missed you guys. I need you…and I need this blog. Clearly trying to work through this crap on my own isn’t doing me any good.


  1. Boy Christina ~ that was a big thing to learn. I don't know how you could not play the "what if" game after learning that.

    If you ever figure out how to not play that game, let me know!

  2. Hey, Christina. I've missed you. Wow, wow, wow. Wow. <3 you...

  3. Why did your father find it necessary to listen to your grandfather I wonder? I guess this is a sore point for me because my oldest son's father claimed that my father "threatened" him to stay away from us, so my son never saw him until he was a teenager. It was not out of character for my a-father to do such a thing, but he was a lot older and weaker than my son's father, had really no legal standing to keep him from his son, etc and so forth, so, at the end of the day, I still lay the blame squarely at my ex-bf's feet.

  4. I guess you are right to a certain extent, Beth. But knowing my grandfather, and having heard some of the stories of what he was like back then, I am sure his tone left little room for question. That doesn't mean I am giving either of my parents a "free" pass for their decisions, but I can certainly understand on some level.

  5. That's a big thing to find out. I think playing the what if game is inevitable in adoption. I've spent a lot of time there myself. Now I'll allow myself to dwell for a little while then tell myself times up - time to move along and enjoy the time I have with my daughter. I understand.

  6. Wow! Anything else I write just sounds banal--and I keep deleting everything I try to say cause it doesn't make enough sense! :-) What if's plague our lives. We had a situation in our family where my sister was encouraged to make a hard choice a certain way (this was not adoption). Truly it seemed right. And I was 19 and trying to help my mother hold what was left of our family together. But my sister doing what we suggested led to years and years of emotional pain for her and I have spent the rest of my life feeling guilty over the role I play in that.

  7. Those "what-if" moments are killer. Don't feel bad, you're not the only one who avoids blogging when things get tough. I tend to hide away as well. The important thing is that you get back up again and don't let it take over you. Keep your chin up.


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