Live With No Regrets

It's been a wild week.  Quarter/Year End is over...and life can get back to normal.  Once, of course, my darling son kicks this fever in the ass.  Sigh.  I've been writing to P pretty much every day..learning more about his family--my family.  It seems like it's been more than a week since we started talking, but we're definitely taking our time.

We had messages flying back and forth last night and I realized just now that I missed the last one he'd sent after he'd started a fire in his fireplace.  I wanted to share it with all of you because, well, just because..lol.

Fire...check. I got my camera working, need to figure out how to broadcast. This weekend I get home around 7 pm so I'll be online after I walk the pooch.



We were talking a few weeks ago about the past year and that it was one of our best. And then you happened to me. I am so thankful, I can't tell you. I don't like to use the word regret because I believe you do the best you can with the available information you have at the time but I wish to God you and I could've connected before this. Everything happens for a reason so I don't question why. I think we will all be alright now...I pray for it.

And my response:

And I missed your message you had sent so I am sorry for not responding to it.

When C found me, my friends would ask me how I was feeling about it all. I finally was able to put it into words after a while. It was like a hole had been filled in my heart that I didn't even know was there. THAT is how I am feeling now, talking and connecting with you. We can't change the situation in the past...but we can move forward...together.


Holy sappy message Batman..lol.

I'm in awe of him.  And I'm in awe of the situation.

My Christmas Present

It was Friday afternoon, Christmas Eve, and I was walking around Target aimlessly looking for last minute stocking stuffers and presents.  My phone vibrated and I saw that my nmom had texted me. 

C: Has he written??

Me:  Nothing yet..

C:  Well he just wrote me on Facebook and said "Wish me luck, I'm going in.."

Me:

C:  Breathe

Me:  I'm in the middle of Target.  

C:  Lol.

Me:  OMG, I have to go home.

C:  Keep busy and BREATHE.  He's probably writing and rewriting his letter...

Me:  ::vomit::

C:  Lol.  Love you.  No matter what, I love you.

I went home and started putting together Chase's Zhu Zhu pets and their accompanying playsets.  Put on some Christmas music and got lost in the spirit.  Until my phone beeped with the notification that I had a Facebook message. 

My favorite Christmas present this year?  No...not an engagement ring. And my new silver earrings, personalized keychain and Kindle were pretty frigging sweet, but those weren't the presents that meant the most to me.

This was:


Hi Christina, I wouldn't call it a shock, more like a tsunami...HA! I am surprised, no denying it, not shocked though...I welcome this surprisingly peaceful news. Mostly I am happy and relieved that you and C are together with your gorgeous babies.



I talked about you with my wife M and she agreed that you and I should (re)connect. She is wonderful and at some point, with your permission, I'm sure you will hear from her as well. My road is a long and winding one and one that I look forward to sharing with you. M and I live in our new house on the family farm, though not really a farm. We grow veggies to put up each year and horses occupy some of the land. We moved here to help take care of M's parents when the time comes. I have three sons, C, who was adopted, M, who's in the Army, and D. C and D live in Virginia Beach. I have 2 lovely step-daughters A and L and they have tons of kids so "Poppee" is always busy when they visit.


This is a new start and one that I am looking forward to with much anticipation. I must now go and tend to the man stuff that goes with decorating for the family party later today. Merry Christmas Doll.

The Waiting Game...Again

I sent it.  I sent an email to P on Facebook.  Now I wait for him to reply.  Holy hell I'm in a fog...not an adoption fog...just a fog..lol.

Hi P,

I hope that some of the shock has worn off…I have to say that I’ve been in a bit of a daze the last few days myself. I have written and then rewritten this note to you a hundred times and am hoping that I can formulate complete sentences and thoughts this time.


The basics about me? I have two kids, a daughter Madelyn, who is 10 and a son Chase, who is 7. They are very active and quite the characters. I work as a Credit and Collections Analyst full time and have a long time boyfriend, Steven, who helps me with the kids and life in general..lol.


I’m really looking forward to getting to know you and hopefully exchange a few pictures since C has told me that we look a lot alike and that Madelyn in particular looks quite a bit like you as well.


In peace,
Christina

S.O.S.

For those of you who aren't my friends on Facebook or the forums, I have news.  Good news...fantastic news even!  My nfather wrote my mom.  He's in shock...but told her he's "definitely open to contact with our daughter".

So now, WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY TO HIM????  ::thud::  It was SO much easier being the "findee" and not the "finder".  I am not sure how brief or how wordy to get with the first email. 

I have no stinking clue what I'm doing and I'm panicking.  BIG TIME. 

I have no idea if his wife or step daughters know about me...and like C said, he might have "some 'splaining" to do.   I feel like a fish out of water and really need someone to slap me upside the head to restart my brain.

Yup, It's Quarter End

Work is kicking my ass.  Actually, that might be a good thing...it's taking me away from fretting and stressing out about the holidays.  I mean, I am still stressed out thinking about balancing my time and figuring out how I'm going to see everyone since the adoptive family isn't comfortable being in the same zip code  room as the natural family but it'll work out...somehow.

Maddie will be with her dad and Chase will be with his father from noon on Christmas Eve til 10am Christmas Day.  My friend at work was saying, "Oooh!  Christmas Eve with just you and Steven...maybe he'll pop the question!!".  My response?  "Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!". 

See, whether or not Steven and I get married tomorrow or the day after that or next month or within the next few years, he's my husband already.  In my heart.  Do we have a piece of paper that says that?  Nope.  But we work.  We fit.  We're happy.  And what puts the icing on the cake?  My kids adore him.  And I'm really okay not being married.  For God's sake, if we lived in a different state than Massachusetts that had Common Law marriages, we'd already be "hitched"...lol.

Don't get me wrong though...were Steven to ask me, I'd say yes.

Holy shizznit.  I'm tired and talking about marriage...I need sleep.

I promise that after this Quarter (and Year) end is over at work, I'll be back and better than ever.  For now, I'll leave you to guess.  Will he or won't he pop the question?  :)  Inquiring minds want to know!

Okay, Okay...I Get It *Updated*

Of course you're all right. I SHOULD be the one to contact my natural father.  I guess I let the shock of it all carry me along and I ignored the little voice in my head telling me the same thing.


I just emailed her and asked her to hold off on contacting him.
 
 
You know how we were talking about "Him" this weekend? And how you were going to write him?

If you haven't written him yet yourself, can you hold off? See, the thing is, for my whole life, I've let others do things for me...because there is less chance of getting in trouble if someone else takes the heat, you know?


But now, I feel like I'm supposed to contact him myself...to let the chips fall as they may. I'll let you read my email to him before I send it...but I really think it needs to be me to do the driving on this.


Does any of that make sense? I love you and don't want to offend you by even suggesting all of this but at some point, I need to step up and take the heat for myself :)

So now I'll wait to see what she says...but in the meantime, I'm going to start drafting a letter...to "Him".


Updated on 12/6/10:  Soooo, she had already written him.  And now feels lousy about it because she's afraid I'm mad.  I did tell her though that regardless of his response to her, I'm going to write him myself.

Dad?

My natural mom and sister came out to visit for the weekend and to see Maddie sing at the Holiday Stroll in town.  My sister ended up going out to see some of her friends in the area Friday night so my mother and I got a chance to talk.

C: I found him.  On Facebook.

Me: Him?  Who, my ex?  Yeah, I found him too..haha.

C:  No, HIM.  He's in North Carolina...married, looks like he has two step-daughters.

Me:  (shocked) 

C:  I wanted to tell you before I wrote him...to see what you thought.  To see if you WANTED me to write him.  I'm not sure what he'll say.  He might end up telling me to fuck off...but I'd rather he say that to me, than to you.

Me:  Makes sense.  I guess I'd just want him to know that I only want to talk to him if he wants to talk to me, you know?

C:  (hugging me)  I know.

She showed me his Facebook profile picture.  The rest of his page was relatively private.  His wife looks a bit kooky...but whatever.  Couldn't really see details on the picture.  But now I find myself obsessed with finding out more.  I'm not sure whether he'll want to talk to me...seeing as he sent back all of C's letters and never responded to her phone calls before I was born...but maybe he's changed.  Stranger things have happened, right?

I'm prepared for whatever...just still in shock I guess.