I've hesitated in writing about my visit with Chris last weekend. Not because it wasn't wonderful, but because of some of the hard emotions that bubbled up to the surface.
It was a blessing to be able to just hang out with her…went out to dinner, giggled, talked, hugged, and giggled some more. And we talked about my adoption. She told me about a boy she dated after she found out about the pregnancy..John. He told her that he'd marry her and raise me as his own…so she wouldn't be alone. Alas, he had issues…assumedly with drugs..and they parted ways before my birth.
I found out that contrary to what I was always told, I was actually born at night..not in the morning. Not a huge thing, but it bothers me that noone thought it important enough to get it right.
I also found out that noone told her that she had 30 days after having me to change her mind. I couldn't bring myself to ask the burning question that raced like fire through my heart..would she have kept me?
Not that it matters now…my life is what it is. My therapist and I talk a lot about my obsession with the "What ifs" and how it's not helping me heal. But I just can't help it.
I know that everyone has their own list of "What ifs"..and that most of the below items could be one anyone's list…but these are mine…and they hurt to think about.
What if I grew up knowing who I truly was..who I was meant to be?
What if I grew up knowing the unconditional love that a mother has for their child, instead of having to wait until I had my own children?
What if I grew up as Elena Katherine instead of Christina Lynn?
What if I never met any of the wonderful bloggers that I've come to know and love..even the ones that challenge me?
What if I hadn't been mentally abused by my school mates?
What if I hadn't been sexually abused?
What if I was never referred to as a "piece of shit"?
What if I grew up knowing that being sent back wasn't a real possibility?
What if I could look in the mirror and love the person I am?
What if I never had to explain to anyone about why I have two mothers…and why one isn't anymore real than the other?
What if?
I'm not very given to regrets, but I have been known to ask myself much the same questions... if I had grown up in a loving family that allowed me to be myself, rather than with my biological parents, would my life have been different? Well, clearly. If my best friend's mom could have adopted me, maybe I'd have a good man and eight kids now like my best friend does.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss.
You wouldn't have been the knowledgeable, courageous person you are today who has a depth of experience that will be useful all your life.
ReplyDeleteRegrets are mostly a waste of time and give us angst, pain and dissatiafaction with the life we make now and who we are now.
I believe regrets about things you have chosen or things you have done can be useful if they help you learn and grow but regretting things that you had no ability to change as they were happening to you? I agree with the therapist - not helping you.
ReplyDeleteWhich is not to say that I don't understand how hard they can be to set aside. I don't think you forget, or "move on" or "get over" really traumatic events so much as you shift them from the center of your focus to the fringes.