Pondering

I've hesitated in writing about my visit with Chris last weekend. Not because it wasn't wonderful, but because of some of the hard emotions that bubbled up to the surface.

It was a blessing to be able to just hang out with her…went out to dinner, giggled, talked, hugged, and giggled some more. And we talked about my adoption. She told me about a boy she dated after she found out about the pregnancy..John. He told her that he'd marry her and raise me as his own…so she wouldn't be alone. Alas, he had issues…assumedly with drugs..and they parted ways before my birth.

I found out that contrary to what I was always told, I was actually born at night..not in the morning.  Not a huge thing, but it bothers me that noone thought it important enough to get it right.

I also found out that noone told her that she had 30 days after having me to change her mind. I couldn't bring myself to ask the burning question that raced like fire through my heart..would she have kept me?

Not that it matters now…my life is what it is. My therapist and I talk a lot about my obsession with the "What ifs" and how it's not helping me heal. But I just can't help it.

I know that everyone has their own list of "What ifs"..and that most of the below items could be one anyone's list…but these are mine…and they hurt to think about.


What if I grew up knowing who I truly was..who I was meant to be?

What if I grew up knowing the unconditional love that a mother has for their child, instead of having to wait until I had my own children?

What if I grew up as Elena Katherine instead of Christina Lynn?

What if I never met any of the wonderful bloggers that I've come to know and love..even the ones that challenge me?

What if I hadn't been mentally abused by my school mates?

What if I hadn't been sexually abused?

What if I was never referred to as a "piece of shit"?

What if I grew up knowing that being sent back wasn't a real possibility?

What if I could look in the mirror and love the person I am?

What if I never had to explain to anyone about why I have two mothers…and why one isn't anymore real than the other?

What if?

More Cringe Worthy Sayings

Along with the comments that you all left on this post, I also received an email from Sandy, a fellow adoptee (and kindred spirit).  She came up with a few more phrases that I'd forgotten:

"Gotcha Day - How does your family celebrate?"...Yup Sandy, I hate that one too.  The whole "gotcha" thing always makes me think of a B-grade horror flick where the bad guy jumps out of the bushes and grabs the poor, unsuspecting cheerleader.

Forever Home - "We want to give a child a forever home." ...Yeah, one that can erase all sense of self in a single bound as soon as you walk through the door.

AP's being upset about Humane Societies using "Adopt a Pet" themes - "takes away from 'their adoptions' and is 'confusing to the child'" ...I'm STILL confused by adoption and I'm a frigging adult.

"Medical history may be nice to have but you can be proactive in how you live your life" ...Never heard this one myself, and for that I'm very thankful...::vomit:: 

Thanks Sandy...appreciate you stopping by!

Desperate Much?

I'm totally excited in a desperate sort of way today. Confused? Yeah, me too.

My nsister, Cate, is on a cruise with her deceased fiance's aunt in the Bahamas. I decided that since my children are away for the week, I'd ask my mother, Christine, if she was busy Saturday night. She's not, and so I invited myself to her apartment that she shares with Cate for an overnight. She sounded super psyched for the visit.

The thing is, I've really never spent a significant amount of time with just Christine. Cate's always around to kind of fill in the weird silences (she talks A LOT)..or my kids are underfoot. I'm kind of nervous and am getting butterflies.

It's not like we *just* reunited…that happened back in July of 2008. We've had plenty of time together, although I'd love to see her more. Cate and Chris have a very easy mother-daughter relationship…and while Chris can drive Cate crazy, the love I see between the two of them inspires me to be a better mom. There is jealousy though. I see the pictures around their apartment of the family that I'm part of, and yet not completely a part of. I see the soft way that Chris speaks of Cate and my brother Greg and wish with all my heart that I'd grown up in that environment.

I know I'll have a good time…we'll have a great visit…but I'll drive away wishing for more.

Will You Join Me?

Since there's a lot of buzz on the internet lately about "Positive Adoption Language", I have been thinking about doing a post myself about "Things That Adoptive Parents and Potential Adoptive Parents Say That Make Me Want To Sob".

I'm going to list some of my top sob-inducers and would love to hear from all of you that read my blog about what phrases or words really boil your blood.

Email me at opphiejane at gmail dot com (also located on my profile page for easy access) and I'll post the results at a later date :)

1. Adoption is the new pregnant.
2. I may not be carrying a child, but I'm still suffering with "Paper Pregnancy".
3. I've been considering parking in the expectant mothers' spots at the stores…after all, we may not get our child for another year, but I'm still expecting!
4. Pregnant women are Breeders/Brood Sows/Tummy Mummies.
5. Our adoption was ordained by God.
6. Don't worry about the anti-adoption haters…they just had crappy childhoods.
7. I pray that the birthmother makes the right decision and gives us their baby.
8. Would you have rathered been aborted/left in a dumpster/raised by a drug addict?
9. Obviously your birthmother chose to give you a better life.
10. The birthmother chose us to be the baby's parents…the birthfather should respect that.
11. I'm offended when adoptees call their biological parents their "natural or first" parents. WE are our child's real parents!
12. Genetics and biology don't matter anyway…it's who has raised the child that matters more.

Now for what it is worth, I am not limiting this exercise to include just adoptees. If you are a natural/adoptive/potential adoptive parent, feel free to send along your own list about adoptees, or even other NP's/AP's/PAP's. I look forward to hearing from all of you!

I'm not doing this so that we all get mad at each other either.  I just realized that that was how this might all come off sounding.  I just think it's important that we all try and see things from the different members of the triad.

Eye See

I went to the eye doctor's to have an exam, pick out new glasses and order contact lenses.  When I got there, I had to fill out one of those forms that asks whether you have had any headaches, dizziness, blah blah blah...  One of the sections asked the uncomfortable-as-Hell-if-you-are-an-adoptee questions about medical history.  Now I've talked to my nmother about our history but not in any depth yet really...so out of habit, I just put the standard "Shut the fuck up and don't ask me because I don't know" "Unknown - Adopted" response. 

When the doctor came in, she went through the exam and was reading the paperwork and said, in a surprised voice, "I'm adopted too!"  We chatted throughout the examination about our situations.  Her natural mother had died during childbirth, but she did know that she has a twin brother.  No names, no other information..  I asked her if she wanted to see pictures of my natural family and we sat there for a few minutes as I showed her the photos off of my Facebook on my phone.

We ended the appointment and she handed me my new prescription...and as I got off the chair to leave, she put her hand on my arm and said, "Thank you so much for sharing those pictures...you've left me with goosebumps..."

I think I made her day..and for that, I'm thankful.

Bear With Me!

Sorry for not updating my beloved blog lately...I have no excuses...but if I did, they would probably include the following:

1.) Easter...It's not easy being the Bunny's personal assistant.

2.) Work...Thank goodness Quarter end is over and I can get back down to the business of slacking off at my desk and blogging more.

3.) Snuggle Boy aka my 7 year old bundle of boy...He's very cuddly, but the situation is not very conducive in that it's difficult having my laptop and his head on my lap at the same time.

4.) Little Miss Acts-Like-She's-Already-A-Crabby-Teenager...No comment.  Ugh.

5.) Stupid allergies...I swear I have sneezed more times in the past two days than I have in my entire 35 years on this earth.

6.) Depression and anxiety...I just am overwhelmed about everything and nothing all at once.

I also owe an answer to an email question that I promised I'd get to...and, to that reader (and new friend), I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you!!