Dear Sixth Blog of Shame Award Winner **Updated!**

Clearly I can't follow directions because I left you a comment after you specifically told me to not visit your blog again..wow, I really suck..lol.

Just to make sure you know though, I didn't leave an anonymous comment on your blog.  I left one that told you about your blog award..and then another to tell you that you must have offended someone else. 

Hope that helps!
Christina

**Update** As a postscript to the ongoing saga...the PAP's in the story have decided NOT to name their not-yet-theirs child Ireland...they've settled on Emersyn.  ::snicker::  Was it something we said?

Speed Bump Ahead

UGH! I wanted to do something different with the background for my blog and I can't seem to get it right. I'm annoyed, crabby and irritated.


And yes, I did have therapy last night and yes, that is why I'm annoyed, crabby and irritated.

Phew.

I'm sorry for the state of my blog. Consider this your warning that it is under construction..much like me and my life.

*Updated (Again)* A Plea for Help

One of my former managers needs your thoughts and prayers today…about a month ago, she found out she had an aggressive form of lung cancer (never smoked a day in her life) and that it had spread to her lymph nodes. A few days ago she went in for surgery to remove the tumor from one of her lungs and they ended up having to remove it. She now has pneumonia and was placed on life support. Everyone is just devastated by the news and at this point, our hope is that if the end is coming, that it comes quickly.

Could you all just take a minute and offer her up in your prayers and thoughts? Thank you my bloggity friends..

Linda..I am praying for you.

*Update*  Just found out that they had to insert a catheter into one side of Linda's heart because it wasn't functioning properly.  Her liver is not working well and neither are her kidneys.  They're starting dialysis as well.

*Updated (Again)*  Linda passed away yesterday (May 12th) at the age of 50.  She was a vibrant, compassionate, beautiful person and will be missed by all who knew her.  Thank you all for your kind prayers and thoughts.

Adoption Carnival Seven

Another carnival is going on at Grown In My Heart…this time it's in honor of Mother's Day.

Carnival:


• Post a picture of your mother (the one you most refer to as a mom). This could be your grandmother, your birthmother, your aunt, your sister, your biological mom, your adoptive mom, your best friend, your surrogate mom…Your MOTHER.


• Include a Six-Word-Memoir with the picture describing her/what she means to you.


• Link back to GIMH with Mr. Linky


• If you don’t have a blog you can email your carnival submission to us at pickelfam at yahoo dot com


• If you are not in the adoption community you can STILL enter!

This is a difficult carnival for me…because I have two mothers…and because I feel like I'd be disloyal to one or the other depending on who I chose to show and write about.

Aaaaargh.

Truthfully, while I love my adoptive mother…I'm going to be completely honest here, sometimes I feel like it's because I 'have' to…because I'd appear ungrateful (yuck..hate that word) if I didn't say it. With my natural mother, it's a much more easygoing, laidback relationship…and the love I feel for her is different. It feels more…real…if that makes any sense. And while I know that both of my mothers are real, I have to speak my mind and look deep in my heart to see who my mom is.

Blah blah blah Christina..get to the effing picture, right?

My six word phrase to describe her and what she means to me?

"Life has become a fairy tale…"

Pondering

I've hesitated in writing about my visit with Chris last weekend. Not because it wasn't wonderful, but because of some of the hard emotions that bubbled up to the surface.

It was a blessing to be able to just hang out with her…went out to dinner, giggled, talked, hugged, and giggled some more. And we talked about my adoption. She told me about a boy she dated after she found out about the pregnancy..John. He told her that he'd marry her and raise me as his own…so she wouldn't be alone. Alas, he had issues…assumedly with drugs..and they parted ways before my birth.

I found out that contrary to what I was always told, I was actually born at night..not in the morning.  Not a huge thing, but it bothers me that noone thought it important enough to get it right.

I also found out that noone told her that she had 30 days after having me to change her mind. I couldn't bring myself to ask the burning question that raced like fire through my heart..would she have kept me?

Not that it matters now…my life is what it is. My therapist and I talk a lot about my obsession with the "What ifs" and how it's not helping me heal. But I just can't help it.

I know that everyone has their own list of "What ifs"..and that most of the below items could be one anyone's list…but these are mine…and they hurt to think about.


What if I grew up knowing who I truly was..who I was meant to be?

What if I grew up knowing the unconditional love that a mother has for their child, instead of having to wait until I had my own children?

What if I grew up as Elena Katherine instead of Christina Lynn?

What if I never met any of the wonderful bloggers that I've come to know and love..even the ones that challenge me?

What if I hadn't been mentally abused by my school mates?

What if I hadn't been sexually abused?

What if I was never referred to as a "piece of shit"?

What if I grew up knowing that being sent back wasn't a real possibility?

What if I could look in the mirror and love the person I am?

What if I never had to explain to anyone about why I have two mothers…and why one isn't anymore real than the other?

What if?