Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Well I mean, aside from the obvious adoptee issues I struggle with on a daily basis. I told you all about how my best friend had "broke it off with me" back in May. And I guess I thought, hey, I don't need her. I have plenty of other friends to keep me busy!
Lie. The truth is, I don't have plenty of other friends to keep me occupied. The only people who call my cell phone are my boyfriend, my ex (my daughter's dad), my amom and my nsister. Everyone else just Facebooks me, or..it seems like…can't be bothered. This past weekend, both my kids were essentially gone from Friday night until Sunday night. And while it was relaxing…I was lonely. Very lonely. Steven was off doing some errands and helping one of his buddies for a couple hours on Saturday and I just sat on the couch for those two hours, wishing I had someone to call. Someone who I could go visit and have a cup of coffee with. A "go to" person, you know?
Maybe I've done this to myself. But, on the advice of my therapist, I HAVE been trying to be the kind of friend that I'd want to have. And, it's not working. Do I realize I'm whining? Yep. I guess I just need to whine and feel sorry for myself before I can truly get over it. It just sucks.
That's not to say that I don't appreciate all of you. That I don't know that you are all my friends too. You're all just so far away…and while I desperately wish I could, I can't just call one of you up and say, "Hey, want to meet for coffee?". I have work friends…but they live close to my job and that's an hour away. On the rare weekends that I could get away for a night for girls' time…they are usually busy. I spent the bulk of my growing up years being alone and learning to deal with it but now that I've experienced what it felt like to have a best friend, I long for that again.
Christina, I don't have anything insightful to say. Sorry. I just wanted you to know I'm sad that you're feeling sad and lonely.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I've been having the same issues in my life. Recently, my (former) best friend and I had a blow up because I couldn't take it anymore and told her how I was feeling about the way she NEVER seems to want to spend time with me. I invite her to do things and she always has an excuse or makes plans and then cancels at the last minute. And I've always tried to be the friend I wanted. She tells me that it's just that she's not a social person. BULL. I see her making plans on facebook with friends who live very far away but I live only 30 min from her. We're both unemployed and could be hanging out together doing things. I give up. If I had money, I would so sign up for www.socialjane.com ... it might be what you're looking for and if you have the money to spare - give it a try.
ReplyDeleteHey, I think we live close to each other. We should get brave and meet IRL sometime. :-) It would be funny if we have walked past each other a bunch of times at the park or city functions or something. Stranger things have happened to me. I gotta warn you though, on Saturdays I have all 4 kids by myself cause my wife works so though I can always offer coffee and conversation it is punctuated by the needs of the kids. (aka children commas!) LOL
ReplyDeleteCall me; I’ll talk your freaking head off! You’ll be all like “hey Sunday, I got to go…” and I will just keep talking and talking.
ReplyDeleteI get it, it sucks. I have had occasions where a good friend and I were out of touch for several months maybe a few years, but we came back together and continued our friendship. I think sometimes when we are SO close we can wear each other out and sometimes I break can help a relationship.
@ Lee sounds like a good idea!
(((Christina))) Sending lots of love and hugs your way!
ReplyDeleteI love you guys. I know that I have you, and that means the world to me. Honestly, I'm not just talking out of my @ss there. It's true. Sometimes, and this is going to sound completely stupid and make me seem even more pathetic than I want to seem, I blog just to see the "You've got a new comment" email pop up. Sad really..lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd Lee, I'm all for it! I'll see your four kids and raise you two..hahaha.
If Madelyn sings at the Tree Lighting ceremony in the center of town this year, you TOTALLY need to come see her in action. I'll be the crazy Mumma standing in the front with the digital camera glued to my face ;).
I have been pondering much the same things lately.
ReplyDeleteI have a very difficult time making friends in real life as well.
I also never go over in my cell phone minutes. EVER. LOL.
When I think about it, really think about it, for me, it's got to be an adoptee thing. I'm scared to engage in friendships, especially with women, after all they could hurt me or toss me away again.
It's funny, I've learned so well how to function with no friends, that I hardly ever think about it. I do know that's not normal though. I just think my fear, overrides it.
I sorry :( I wuv you. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling lonely, I have been there myself. ((hugs))My best friend died in 1993 and I still miss her every day.
ReplyDelete((((EK)))) I am so sorry :( If I was on your side of the world, I would so be on your door step!! And I'm sorry about your BF. Regardless of how it happens, losing one's BF can hurt along time afterwards. xxx
ReplyDeleteMost of us have trust and attachment issues don't we? If it's any comfort I find some quiet reflective time really useful sometimes.I broke up with one of my good friends a year ago and we're speaking again, it will never be the same but she won't take me for granted now.Big hugs!
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ReplyDeleteChris, with "all due respect" the fact that you are a friend of a happy, healthy, adopted child doesn't mean shit to me. Come back and comment on my blog when you're the friend of a happy, healthy adopted adult.
ReplyDeleteSee, what you don't understand is that I don't discuss my issues with being adopted with the "real world". To the outside world, I'm a mother, a girlfriend, a working professional, a good listener, someone who would drop everything to help people out...but here, I can let my feelings out. Much like the AP's I come across in Blogland let all their feelings out.
I have the right to disagree with them. Sorry...but last time I checked, AP's don't hold a monopoly on blogging. Last time I checked, it's not normal to covet someone else's child or to call pregnant women "Breeders" or to pray that a grieving father gives his infant child up simply because there's an infertile couple waiting to scoop the baby up.
Not all the blogs I gift the Blog o' Shame awards to are ones that I've found. Often, they are passed on to me from friends and even complete strangers.
Perhaps you should volunteer at an adoptee support group to see what I'm talking about and what issues you think I should be able to just get over.
Christina, I am so sorry you've hit a rough patch right now. A few years ago, four close friends moved out of state and a fifth friend (and neighbor) passed away. It was so hard for me to meet new people, develop new relationships and even WANT to start over again.
ReplyDeletePlus, this was around the same time that we first met our daughter... and she grieved deeply. I couldn't trust just anyone into my life at that time, and I couldn't share a ton because my story and my daughter's story at the time were so closely entwined. And I didn't want to spread her personal stuff all over the place, you know?
It took awhile, but I am starting to form some new closer friendships. Give it time and keep putting yourself out there. It's hard... I so know that... but it's worth it.
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ReplyDeleteChris. ARE YOU FOR FREAKING REAL???
ReplyDeleteSadly because you posted your oh so respectful comment here, it would seem you are. Can I just say, being a "friend" of someone adopted in no way makes YOU an expert on adoption. For one, you cannot speak for your friend because they may be wearing a mask around you because you are one of these judge-you-if-you-dare-speak-about-the-truth type of people so how could ANYONE be themselves around you??
As for coming in here and dictating to Cricket what you think of her, seriously?? You are speaking through a whole in your head and have no clue about adoption or reproductive issues (regardless of your current situation). Unless you ARE adopted or have suffered first hand because of adoption then you have no real right to open your mouth and tell someone how to feel about THEIR life.
And Chris, you really are a walking contradiction. THIS IS HER BLOG so she can say anything she wants :)
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