You asked for it...lol..I've linked to my personal not-so-much-about-adoption-blog so you can read about the beginnings of my reunion with my natural family.
Enjoy...and feel free to poke around that site too.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Adoption Carnival Three
I'm again participating in Grown In My Heart's blog carnival..Photos of Adoption. Join in and make sure you utilize Mr. Linky at the site to add yourself into the mix.
I debated about posting pictures of the day that I was taken from the adoption agency...but those photos now symbolize pain and anguish.
Instead, I decided to post a couple of pictures of my natural mom, sister and me at our first face to face meeting on August 20, 2009. A mere 39 days after our first contact. That day was one of the best days of my life and holds a lot of meaning for me. It was a rebirth of sorts..like the planets in my life had finally aligned.
I may post the story of our beginnings here on this blog....if there's the interest. I sometimes fear that I might get boring droning on and on about my reunion. Thoughts?
I debated about posting pictures of the day that I was taken from the adoption agency...but those photos now symbolize pain and anguish.
Instead, I decided to post a couple of pictures of my natural mom, sister and me at our first face to face meeting on August 20, 2009. A mere 39 days after our first contact. That day was one of the best days of my life and holds a lot of meaning for me. It was a rebirth of sorts..like the planets in my life had finally aligned.
I may post the story of our beginnings here on this blog....if there's the interest. I sometimes fear that I might get boring droning on and on about my reunion. Thoughts?
Monday, October 26, 2009
In Absentia
I've been absent from this blog for a few days...and I've been missing it. But life as I know it has changed and I've had to figure out my next steps. And it's scary.
I'll take 'Jobs That Are Being Shipped Overseas' for a thousand Alex...
What is MINE?
Yup. I'm a contractor...hired with 10 other people to call up companies and collect on their bills that are less than $250K. The actual collectors that work for the company I'm contracted for are safe. They get to keep their jobs. And we, the contractors, get the pleasure of training our offshore counterparts when they arrive in January. Then, once they are trained, we'll be 'released'.
I'm in a better position than some on the team though. I've actually worked hard to get to the top and to get noticed by the management. Two weeks ago I was handpicked to move over to the actual collectors side to cover for someone who's out on maternity leave. And as the Head Honcho told me when he called me into his office the morning after the announcement was made, historically the ones that have been asked to fill in on that side have been hired. So, I may live to call another customer and tell them to pay their bill.
Everyone say a silent prayer for me, please?
I'll take 'Jobs That Are Being Shipped Overseas' for a thousand Alex...
What is MINE?
Yup. I'm a contractor...hired with 10 other people to call up companies and collect on their bills that are less than $250K. The actual collectors that work for the company I'm contracted for are safe. They get to keep their jobs. And we, the contractors, get the pleasure of training our offshore counterparts when they arrive in January. Then, once they are trained, we'll be 'released'.
I'm in a better position than some on the team though. I've actually worked hard to get to the top and to get noticed by the management. Two weeks ago I was handpicked to move over to the actual collectors side to cover for someone who's out on maternity leave. And as the Head Honcho told me when he called me into his office the morning after the announcement was made, historically the ones that have been asked to fill in on that side have been hired. So, I may live to call another customer and tell them to pay their bill.
Everyone say a silent prayer for me, please?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Quote
“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” — Alex Haley
The above quote, found while surfing around Grown In My Heart, really touched me tonight. Because for me, as an adoptee in reunion (it's still weird to say that), I immediately thought of my natural family. They really are the link to my past...and now, as I slowly make my way towards recapturing my place on the family tree, they are the bridge to my future.
Yes, I have my adoptive family. My asister is my best friend...we're like soldiers who have made it through a hard tour of duty...and survived. My amother, while she completely and totally sucked when I was growing up, has slowly realized that she can't push my buttons anymore because I refuse to let her...and that's brought us to an uneasy truce. I love her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't...but can I say that I like her? No. She brings out my worst fears as a mother. I don't EVER want to be the mom that she was. My children deserve more than that. And my afather...he taught me to avoid relationships where the male is the dominant figure...that abuse is NEVER okay...and that I deserve better.
With my natural mother and family, there were no expectations. On either side. When I went down to Delaware in March to celebrate my ngrandfather's 80th birthday, it was the first time I was meeting most of the family in person. And what struck me most was that their claims of loving me all these years were the truth. I WAS thought of...I WAS celebrated...and it really DID feel like I'd just been away at college for a few years. Our reunion was THAT easy...and has given me more peace than I've ever experienced.
I have a tree. And the loving branches of that tree have shaded me from the storm, even when I was scared and alone.
The above quote, found while surfing around Grown In My Heart, really touched me tonight. Because for me, as an adoptee in reunion (it's still weird to say that), I immediately thought of my natural family. They really are the link to my past...and now, as I slowly make my way towards recapturing my place on the family tree, they are the bridge to my future.
Yes, I have my adoptive family. My asister is my best friend...we're like soldiers who have made it through a hard tour of duty...and survived. My amother, while she completely and totally sucked when I was growing up, has slowly realized that she can't push my buttons anymore because I refuse to let her...and that's brought us to an uneasy truce. I love her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't...but can I say that I like her? No. She brings out my worst fears as a mother. I don't EVER want to be the mom that she was. My children deserve more than that. And my afather...he taught me to avoid relationships where the male is the dominant figure...that abuse is NEVER okay...and that I deserve better.
With my natural mother and family, there were no expectations. On either side. When I went down to Delaware in March to celebrate my ngrandfather's 80th birthday, it was the first time I was meeting most of the family in person. And what struck me most was that their claims of loving me all these years were the truth. I WAS thought of...I WAS celebrated...and it really DID feel like I'd just been away at college for a few years. Our reunion was THAT easy...and has given me more peace than I've ever experienced.
I have a tree. And the loving branches of that tree have shaded me from the storm, even when I was scared and alone.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Who Cares...
about ME? I know this post is going to sound selfish...but maybe I need to be a bit selfish as I work through my issues and limitations. Bear with me as I might just vent a bit, or even *gasp* swear.
I love my best friend...really...with all my heart, I love her. She's funny, quirky, free spirited and beautiful, inside and out. She's also had a really hard life. And she's severely depressed. To the point of threatening to not take care of the fibroid she has because she WANTS it to turn to cancer so she can just end it all. Now, I know that you all aren't privy to her life's problems...but I am. And I know what she's been through and how much she's struggled. Trust me, she's really had it rough.
Tonight she texted me and sounded really down. Really down. And I had to use all my charm and wit to bring her back to at least throwing in an "LOL" once in awhile. What gets me is that not once did she ask how I'm doing in therapy...not once did she ask how I'm handling MY crap. Because it always seems like whenever we talk, there just isn't enough time to deal with both of our stuff. And I usually just push my emotions aside to help her.
That's how I've always been. I'm a People Pleaser. That's been my role ever since childhood...it was better to just scuttle around anticipating what needed to be done, rather than waiting to be yelled at. Sometimes I was able to head the screaming off at the pass, but more often than not, it didn't matter how hard I tried, I'd just fail. I wouldn't pass Go and I certainly would not collect $200.
Most of my friendships are like the one I have with my best friend...as have most of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships I've had. I try so hard to be the 'good friend' or the 'good girlfriend' that I just stuff all my feelings aside...and end up being resentful. It freaking sucks. But I don't want to lose my friends...of course I don't. I just want to feel validated once in awhile. Is that too much to ask??
Sometimes I really have to wonder.
By the way...I'd like to share a blog post that my friend had passed on to me. I'm interested to hear what my fellow adoptees have to say...and also what the AP's who read this think...even if you don't want to comment on my blog, please just read it.
Here you go...
I'll try and blog about my feelings surrounding the post tomorrow or Sunday...
I love my best friend...really...with all my heart, I love her. She's funny, quirky, free spirited and beautiful, inside and out. She's also had a really hard life. And she's severely depressed. To the point of threatening to not take care of the fibroid she has because she WANTS it to turn to cancer so she can just end it all. Now, I know that you all aren't privy to her life's problems...but I am. And I know what she's been through and how much she's struggled. Trust me, she's really had it rough.
Tonight she texted me and sounded really down. Really down. And I had to use all my charm and wit to bring her back to at least throwing in an "LOL" once in awhile. What gets me is that not once did she ask how I'm doing in therapy...not once did she ask how I'm handling MY crap. Because it always seems like whenever we talk, there just isn't enough time to deal with both of our stuff. And I usually just push my emotions aside to help her.
That's how I've always been. I'm a People Pleaser. That's been my role ever since childhood...it was better to just scuttle around anticipating what needed to be done, rather than waiting to be yelled at. Sometimes I was able to head the screaming off at the pass, but more often than not, it didn't matter how hard I tried, I'd just fail. I wouldn't pass Go and I certainly would not collect $200.
Most of my friendships are like the one I have with my best friend...as have most of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships I've had. I try so hard to be the 'good friend' or the 'good girlfriend' that I just stuff all my feelings aside...and end up being resentful. It freaking sucks. But I don't want to lose my friends...of course I don't. I just want to feel validated once in awhile. Is that too much to ask??
Sometimes I really have to wonder.
By the way...I'd like to share a blog post that my friend had passed on to me. I'm interested to hear what my fellow adoptees have to say...and also what the AP's who read this think...even if you don't want to comment on my blog, please just read it.
Here you go...
I'll try and blog about my feelings surrounding the post tomorrow or Sunday...
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