Saturday, December 10, 2011


The backlash that has been happening ever since "The Open Letter", written by my adoptee friend has been far reaching.  I haven't had any negative comments on my blog about it (yet) but I'm sure that once people realize that it's there, I will.  The thing is, from what I can tell, the bulk of the negativity is coming from adoptive parents who are offended that an adoptee is daring to speak directly to them about their truths and feelings.

It's sad really.  One of the anonymous commenters on iadoptee's blog post highlighting the letter said that she believed that the writer of the letter was full of teenage angst and that's when I started to shake with anger.  I guess I should be used to still being treated like a child when it comes to adoption...have to wait for the government to tell me that I'm allowed to have my original birth certificate after all...but to see someone take a beautiful, well thought out message and cheapen the author by dismissing their feelings as being juvenile, well, my blood boiled, put it that way.

Then came the, "well, sometimes growing up with your biological family is no picnic either..".  Really?   I wouldn't know that since I wasn't given the option to grow up with mine. 

Why does the voice of an adoptee threaten adoptive/potential adoptive parents so much?  What is the deal?  Someone?  Anyone?  Bueller?


  1. I'm a lurker, and I can't recall if I've posted before.

    Anyhow, I am grateful for your blog and for the open letter you posted - and I adopted both my sons. I want to do right by them and their families, and that means I will always seek out the truth, the more harsh the better, sometimes. I've steered people away from adoption when they think it's the easy option or simple in any way possible. I love my boys, but I know they also are here because of loss, theirs, their parents', their families'. Denying that is denying who they are.

    So it disheartens me that the person - the damned human being, with emotions and all - who happens to be adopted, is being dismissed. It's not right, and those who take offense to her post need to take a look in the mirror.

    Anyway, just had to pipe in, because there are too many voices on the adoptive parent side of things that really gross me out too.

  2. Thank you LJ...I truly appreciate it when adoptive parents can look beyond the defensiveness that I'm sure adoptees' words can sometimes bring and "get it".

    It means a lot.

  3. I try not to post too much, because I worry it's not my place to weigh in. Telling other PAPs or APs my feelings on things, yeah, they'll get a mouthful. I promise my general silence when reading is only out of the gratitude and respect for your words and what you've experienced.

  4. I completely appreciate that LJ. I know that sometimes my words can come across as being harsh and that I am "attacking" APs/PAPs. I can assure that I am not. I am attacking the overwhelming sadness I feel by being adopted and living through it.

    I do hope you'll continue to read and to comment whenever you want. Even when you disagree. Sometimes through disagreement comes true understanding.

  5. Oh quite the contrary, I don't think I've gotten a vibe that you attack APs/PAPs. I think you point out when people are uninformed, hiding from things, or are outright rude.

    Hell, I know for a fact that when we started thinking about adoption, we were all three of those. It's not the easy path to try to be informed about the injustice in adoption, but is sure is the right one.

    I'll pipe in more, thanks for the encouragement. I agree, if more people actually had conversations - not just talking or listening alone, perhaps more families could get the resources they need.

  6. It takes a lot to admit that we might have been wrong in the past (I should know, I've been wrong A It's what we do to fix those wrongs that shows our true character.

    I've only had a five minute blogging conversation with you tonight but that's long enough for me to know that you aren't just blowing smoke up my @ss. ;)

    Can't wait to get more of your perspective on what I write!

  7. I'm an adoptive mom who also believes the truth of that letter. And I linked to it on my blog. And I am saddened by the negative response because it is not only true but not written in a way that should make *anyone* feel sad or threatened. Yes, growing up in a bio fam can suck--I have stories of my own pain concerning that. My pain doesn't make my kids loss less painful, just different. (though in some ways the feelings are shared and it has been of help to them to know that we have both had feelings of rejection and abandonment.)

  8. So much competition for some about pain and loss!!!So many who do not want to give up the things they believe about beautiful adoption.When it is commanded by religious beliefs that must be very hard, in fact impossible because it is about saving souls and loss and trauma can be prayed away.
    Then of course there's our ingratitude when we tell it how it is because we were saved and are not appreciating our good fortune.
    Loss and trauma are different for everyone, all tough whoever you are.
    Glad to see some adopters here who seem to appreciate that - do drop by sometime.

  9. "Why does the voice of an adoptee threaten adoptive/potential adoptive parents so much? What is the deal? Someone? Anyone? Bueller? "

    AP here. I have no Idea. I also linked to the letter on my little blog.


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